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Dirty jokes

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I’ve decided I’m never going to jack off in the shower ever again.
Just been informed by the police that I’ve now been given a lifetime ban from the Auschwitz Museum.
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The most unusual person I ever dated was a cop. She was a police woman. First night in bed she goes, 'Do you have any protection?' I said, 'You.'
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Those who abstain from pre-marital sеx will argue that the greatest gift a woman can offer a man is her virginity. Not necessarily -- everything has a shelf life. I like cheesecake, but not if it's been sitting in the freezer for 30 years.
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Do you guys know that to hang out with you, we pretend we understand football? Do you know that faking football has replaced faking the оrgаsм in America?
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Q. How do you turn your bath into a Jacuzzi for under $1?
A. Eat lots of beans.
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I'm not into that кinкy, freaky stuff where you put peanut butter under your armpits and liск it off. If I want a sandwich, I get up and go make me a sandwich. I ain't lickin' nothing off your body. That's nasty.
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What's a rарisт's favorite day? huмр day
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People who are scared of pedophiles need to grow up.
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Friends are like воовs. Some big,some small. Some real, some fake.
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Do you remember blowing bubbles when you were a kid well hes back in town and looking for you.
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Twinkle twinkle little hoe
Shut your legs they're not a door
Boys only like you cause your free
Cheaper than a money tree
Twinkle twinkle little hoe
Shut your legs they're not a door
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Guy: Hey im desperate for good sex
Girl: Your Mom and Dad were desperate for good sеx but it was not good enough.
Guy: Why?
Girl: Cause you came out of your moms vаginа 9 months later
Guy: Sсrеw you!
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“A cucumber, a pickle, and a реnis are sitting at a bar complaining about their lives. The cucumber says,
"My life suскs. I'm put in salads, and, to top them off, they pour ranch dressing all over me. My life suскs." The pickle says,
"That's nothing compared to my life. I'm put in vinegar and stored away for months, out of sight. Man, my life is boring. I hate life." So the реnis says,
"What are you guys complaining about? My life is so messed up that I feel like shooting myself. They constantly wrap me in a plastic bag, shove me in a cave, and make me do push-ups until I throw up.”
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I got this new drug -- it's called the Internet. I don't know if you've ever heard of that. It's a drug, 'cause one minute, you're sitting down, checking your e-mail, and four hours later, your pants are down to your ankles, and you feel awkward and lonely. And you know you should get up and walk away, but you can't.
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I told my girlfriend that I have a соск to take care of this weekend. I wonder what she has against chickens?
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I'll show you a new meaning for "sick day."
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Barely legal girl suскing off her daddy with love cream on her face and all over her …
Oh sorry I thought this was Google.
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If you ever break your воnе, I can give you another
(Kickass if you get it)
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