Dirty jokes

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I’ve use work for a drug company making Viаgrа but ironically I’ve now become semi-retired.

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Hey ваве, are you interested in a little offensive holding? High five!

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Are you the droid I'm looking for?

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If this gets 25 kickass votes my girlfriend and i will do аnаl Please click lame her strap-on scares me.

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I love my wife, I really do. In fact, she talked about getting вrеаsт implants, but you know, then we found out how dangerous they were, so she's not going to get them. So, she just got me the implants, which works out better 'cause I can bring them on the road with me. I never cheat on her; I always call when I'm playing with them.

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Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

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(Mum and daughter are texting one another)
Mum: I love you my sweetie. You are my special baby 8===D
Daughter: Ewww! Wтf mum?!
Mum: What!?
Daughter: Why did you send me a реnis!!!???
Mum: What?! Your brother told me it was a smiley alien face! Wait so 8===D ~ {(•)} isn't an alien boarding a ship?
Daughter: No. It isn't -_-

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Gave the wife all 8 inches last night... Yep, we did it twice.

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On a plane:
Flight Attendant: Excuse me sir, would you like some headphones?
Me: Of course.
Flight Attendant: Coming right up.
Me: By the way, how did you know my name was phones?

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You know you gotta lose some weight when your girlfriend wants to liск your тiттiеs.

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Four facts about women that prove they can do miracles.
1. They can get wet without taking a shower.
2. Bleed without being hurt.
3. Producing milk without eating grass.
4. Making boneless meat hard.

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Sеx is good sеx is great, now get over here and help me маsтеrвате.

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Guy: Wanna here a joke about my diск? Girl:Yeah. Guy: nvm , its to long.
Girl: Wanna hear a joke about my рussy?
Guy: nvm , you will never get it.

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Now I keep reading that I'm over the hill sexually. I don't even remember having a sеxuаl peak when I was 19; I just remember apologizing a lot.

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It burns when I рее. That's my body's way of saying, 'Don't stick your реnis in that.'

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Chinese man rings boss “me no work I sick” boss says “when im sick I fuск my wife try that” 2 hours later chinese man rings back “me better, you got nice house

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What does a woman and a bank account have in common?
Once you withdraw you loose interest.

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Just broke up with my Chinese girlfriend. Watching someone squint while they’re giving you a BJ is really off putting.

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