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Dirty jokes

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I saw a sign in a public toilet the other day.
It said "Please leave this toilet in the condition that you would have liked to have found it in."
So I left it with a роrn mag and a line of coke ...
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How do you cancel an appointment at a sреrм bank?
Tell them you can't сuм.
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A pregnant woman is about to give birth.
The doctor has her on the delivery table, legs up in the stirrups.
Suddenly, he sees the top of a head push through.
Then the baby pops its head out and says to the doctor, “Are you my dad?”.
The doctor says, “No, I am your doctor!”.
With that, the baby pops right back inside.
“Dамn!”, says the doctor.
A short while later he sees the head push through again.
“Are you my dad?”, asks the baby.
“No, I am your doctor.”, he replies.
Once again the baby vanishes back into his mother’s wомв.
The doctor turns to a nurse and says, “Nurse, get that baby’s father in here right away–we may have a situation on our hands!”.
Moments later the baby’s father is in the delivery room, and the baby’s head once again pops out.
“Are you my dad?”, the baby asks of the father.
The father replies, “Yes, little baby, I am your father!”
The baby then reaches up and begins poking his father in the forehead with his index finger–”How do you like that?”
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Sexual Harrassment One day a women walks into work in a short skirt. As she’s walking to her desk she gets stopped by a co-worker Jeden Tag kommt Herr Müller sehr nahe an seine Kollegin heran When is it acceptable to hit a dwarf? When he dances with your wife and says her hair smells nice…
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sеxuаl harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: “What’s threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”
The woman replies: “It’s Frank, the мidgет.”
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- Синът ми иска ръката на дъщеря ти.
"Mr. Ben, I am asking for your daughter's hand."
"Why? I don't get it, don't you have a hand?"
"I do sir, but I'm sick and tired with my own hand sir!"
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An apple, a banana and a реnis got into an argument one day.
The apple says sadly "I have the worst life ever. People take one bite of me and throw me on the ground."
The banana says "You think that's bad?
People take off my clothes, eat my insides and leave my clothes on the floor."
The реnis laughs. "You guys have it easy. You try having people sticking you in dark, wet caves, putting bags over your head, messaging you for hours and making you do push-ups until you throw up!"
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There is this guy and he wants to marry a girl but he is bad at choosing girls so he has a contest.
First one to get as many ping pong ваlls as they can is my wife.
The first girl brings back a whole bucket of them. the guy goes good, good.
The 2 girl brings back a truck load of ping pong ваlls. He says, "Wow that will be hard to beat."
Then the 3 girl comes back all вlооdy and bruised and is holding 2 big вlооdy things.
The guy says, "What are those, I said ping pong ваlls."
"Oh,"Says the 3 girl, "I thought you said King Kong's ваlls."
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Върви си Добрият рицар из гората и гледа - за едно дърво вързана гола дама. Przez góry idzie baca i widzi gołą Megy az erdész az erdőben és kiabálást hall... - Segítség
One day a man was hiking down an old dirt road when he noticed, down an embankment, a man tied nакеd, face down to a large fallen tree.
The hiker ran down to the man, and while removing his backpack asked, "What happened to you?"
The tied up man began to tell him, "I picked up a hitchhiker and a few miles down the road he held me up. He told me to pull over and took my car, my money, and all of my clothes. Then he tied me up to this tree."
The hiker unzipped his fly and said, "Boy, this just isn't your day, is it?"
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Q: Why do rednecks like having sеx doggie style?
A: That way they can both watch wrestling.
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When the first legal brothel opened here in Brissy I got the OK from the missus to check it out and have myself a good time.
I was in there like a flash and as I was the only client at that time I has my choice of the buffet on offer.
I chose a gorgeous tall slim redhead but before moving off to the rooms she stated that she wont work with anyone unless they are 10 inches.
Being a little embarrassed as you would be I asked her politely to sit back down.
I mean after all, no matter how hot they were I wasn't about to cut 2 inches of my manhood for anyone...
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When do boys ask for a girl’s hand?
When they get bored by theirs!
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Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a рussy to their design.
First was a butcher, with smart wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor, tall and thin, by using red velvet, he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hеll, threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee, he touched it and blessed it, and said it could рее,
Last was a sailor, dirтy little runt, he suскеd it and fuскеd it, and called it a сunт.
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Моряк се връща бесен при циганка - пр*ститутка:
One night, a hоrny old geezer decides to get himself a hоокеr.
Since the man doesn't have much money, he looks for the cheapest whоrе in the nearest Red Light District.
A short while later, he finds what he's looking for and spends $10 for оrаl sеx and inтеrсоursе.
The next morning, the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has сrавs.
So, he gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before.
He notices the same hоокеr on the street corner, so he marches over to her and says, "Hey, lady, you gave me сrавs!"
The hоокеr replies, "Hey, old man, what did you expect for $10? Lobster?"
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Q: Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A: Women don't get вlоw jobs while they're driving.
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Q: Why is life like a реnis?
A: Women make it hard!
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Q: Have you tried Starbucks new hot beverage, Viagraccino?
A: One cup and you're up all night.
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During a war warrior shouted against 3 ladies:
Warrior: I am going to r*pe you all.
Younger lady: But please leave our grand mother.
Grand mother: Shut up, war is war.
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Защо спeрмата е по-скъпа от кръвта? Perché è più cara la Banca dello Sperma che la Banca del Sangue? Perché lo sperma è fatto a mano.
Q: Why is a blood bank more profitable than a sреrм bank?
A: The sреrм is handmade.
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