Dirty jokes

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A young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of вrеаsтs are there?"
The father, surprised, answers:
"Well, son, there are three kinds of вrеаsтs.
In her twenties, a woman's вrеаsтs are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, see them and they make you cry."

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Did you hear about the two poofters who went to London?
They were really рissеd off when they found out Big Ben was a clock.

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I told my crush at school, "If you love me, come wearing red tomorrow." The next day she came in wearing black! When she dropped her pen and she веnт over to pick it up, I got a look up her skirt at her red thong.
Moral of the story: she really loves me underneath it all.

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Dear Husband,
I have been feeling really dirтy lately. Please do me.
Love, Dishes

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I see you ordered the most expensive item on the menu for our first date.
I hope you realize that it comes with a side order of my diск.

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What’s the rudest type of Elf?
The GofuckyoursElf.

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Being a very religious kind of person, when I checked into my hotel, I said to the woman at the desk; "I hope the pоrn channel in my room is disabled."
"No," she said, "It's regular pоrn, you sick b*stard!"

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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?
A: The blonde works in the dark!

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Q: Why doesn't Smokey the bear have any kids?
A: Because every time his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel.

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What starts with a 'C', ends with a 'T', and is hairy on the outside and moist on the inside?
Coconut.... What were you thinking?

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There was three boys called Zip, Diск and Рiss They were in class and their teacher went out to make a phone call Right then Zip jumped on the table Diск jumped in the teachers chair And Рiss was punchin everyone in sight 3 minutes later the teacher back in and said Zip down Diск out and Рiss in the corner.

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Boy - "dear Santa, for xmas, I would like a baby brother."
Santa - "Send me your mother."

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A guy picks up a pr*stitute and proceeds to spend a couple of hours with her at a seedy motel.
A few days later, he finds that he has caught сrавs.
He chases down the рrоsтiтuте and says, "hey вiтсh, you gave me сrавs".
She replies, "what'd you expect for ten bucks? Lobster?"

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Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton growing up a confused child?
A: Because dad can’t keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them.

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A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.

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Chuck Norris sleeps with every woman on the planet once a month... and they bleed for a week.

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"Johny, please, tell us, what do you do the whole day, so?"
"So, in the morning I cut the wood, sometimes with both hands, 5 minutes a day I play the guitar, to tell the truth. And in the afternoon I go to my garden to water the flowers. The lilies of the valleys and may-flowers I water most likely. Yes, they are really cute. Then I tear the leaflets to find out if the neighbor (her husband is not at home) loves me or not. The last time it came out that she loves me, fuск."

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My girlfriend always calls me a реdорhilе, and all I can think is "Wow that is a big word for a nine year old."

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