Food Jokes

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Martha's Way #1:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
The Real Women's Way:
Just suск the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone for Pete's sake. You're probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
Martha's Way #2:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Women's Way:
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha's Way #3:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Women's Way:
Go to the bakery, they'll even decorate it for you.
Martha's Way #4:
If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."
The Real Women's Way:
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too dамn bad. Please recite with me the Real Women's Motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.
Martha's Way #5:
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Women's Way:
Celery? If it doesn't have calories, why keep it?
Martha's Way #6:
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
The Real Women's Way:
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so don't do it.
Martha's Way #7:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Women's Way:
Take a lime, cut it in quarters and rub it on the rim of a tall glass. Put lime in glass, fill with gin and tonic water and sip until the throbbing goes away. (repeat as required)
Martha's Way #9:
If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Women's Way:
Go ask the cute neighbor to do it.
And finally...
Martha's way #10:
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
The Real Women's Way:
Leftover wine?
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Politically correct terms for cat owners:
- My cat does not ваrf hairballs, he is a floor/rug re-decorator.
- My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.
- My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.
- My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.
- My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.
- My cat is not a "shedding machine," she is a hair relocation stylist.
- My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile," she enjoys the proximity of food.
- My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next.
- My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.
- My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert.
- My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced.
- My cat is not fат, he is mass enhanced.
- My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate moisture.
- My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination
(which should always be the food dish).
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