Friendship Jokes

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Got tasered picking up my friend from the airport today. Apparently security doesn't like it when you shout, "Hi Jack!"

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A young man looking to get married asked his friend. "Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like."
"Oh, that's easy," his pal replied, "All you have to do is find someone who is just like your mother."
"I did that already," he said, "and that one my father didn't like."

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I hate it how my friends come in my house, do you have a bathroom? NOPE we shiт in the backyard -,-

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A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged down. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen in front of them.

The young farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.

The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plow your land? At night?"

"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole"

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“You get this one, next round is on me.” (We won’t be here long enough to get another round.)
“I’ll get this one, next one is on you.” (Happy hour is about to end…now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be 4.50 a pop.)
“Hey, where is that friend of yours?” (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)
“Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” [female] (I’m easy.)
“Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” [male] (I’m gаy.)
“Ever try a body shot?” [male to female] (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to liск you.)
“Ever try a body shot?” [female to male] (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll do to you on the ride home?)
“I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” [female] (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)
“I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” [male] (I’m hоrny.)
“Who’s got the next round?” (I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)
“What do you have on tap?” (What’s cheap?)
“Can I have a white Russian?” [male] (I’m really gаy.)
“Can I have a white Russian?” [female] (I’m really easy.)
“That person looks really familiar.” (Did I sleep with him/her?)
“Can I just get a glass of water?” [female] (I’m annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)
“Can I just get a glass of water?” [male] (I’m annoying, and cheap to boot.)
“I don’t have my ID on me.” [female] (I’m 19.)
“I don’t have my ID on me.” [male] (I don’t have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here.)
“Excuse Me.” [male to male] (Get the fсuк out of the way.)
“Excuse Me.” [male to female] (I am going to grоре you now.)
“Excuse Me.” [female to male] (Don’t even think about groping me, just get the fсuк out of the way.)
“Excuse Me.” [female to female] (Move your fат аss. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don’t think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a hо…Get your eyes off of my man, or I’ll slap you, вiтсh, like the sluт you are.)

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Keys to a good friendship.
Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.

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What came first: the chicken or the egg?
The rooster
Friend : I understand how you can get Sam from Samantha, I also understand how you can get Matt from Matthew…….but how do you get Diск from Richard?!!?
Me: If you ask nicely!!…….:D
Premature Еjасulатiоn: The Movie
Coming soon.
Q: Who is a gynecologist?
A: He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place where others find pleasure!
Q: Why do men ask for a woman’s hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own
Q: What’s common between men and video player?
A: Both go backward…forward.backward…forward…stop and eject
Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman’s period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn’t come means You are FUСКЕD…

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Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn’t stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my вrеаsтs.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so “spicy” that I just laid down and told him “Take me, young man. Take me now!”
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Неll, no! He just yelled, “April Fools!” And that’s when I shot the little ваsтаrd.

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Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says
"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and ваnging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!

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Top 10 rejection lines given by women (and of course what they actually mean!)
1) “I think of you as a brother.” - You have the sеx appeal of a Franciscan monk.
2) “There is a slight difference in our ages.” - You are positively Jurassic.
3) “I’m not attracted to you in that way.” - The bulge in your trousers is just not big enough.
4) “My life is too complicated right now.” - I’m bonking several better-looking guys already.
5) “I need some freedom to find my own space.” - I want the freedom to find someone to fill my space.
6) “I don’t date men where I work.” - I never date TWO men in the same office, because I’d get caught.
7) “It’s not you, it’s me.” - It’s not me it’s you!
8) “I’m concentrating on my career.” - Boring and UN-fulfilling as my job is, it is better than dating you.
9) “I’ve decided to be celibate.”- I’m already shаgging someone else.
10) “Let’s be friends.” - I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sеx with!
Top 10 rejection lines given by men (and what they actually mean)
1) “I think of you as a sister.” - You’re ugly.
2) “There’s a slight difference in our ages.” - You’re ugly.
3) “I’m not attracted to you in that way.” - You’re ugly.
4) “My life is too complicated right now.” - You’re ugly.
5) “I’ve got a girlfriend.” - You’re ugly.
6) “I don’t date women where I work.” - You’re ugly.
7) “It’s not you, it’s me.” - You’re ugly.
8) “I’m concentrating on my career.” - You’re ugly.
9) “I’m celibate.” - You’re ugly.
10) “Let’s be friends.” - You’re really fсuкing ugly.

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Man: What, according to you, is Philosophy?

Friend: Philosophy are the ideas that act as guides for the best ways to live.

Man: So do you follow them?

Friend: No. I want everyone else to follow.

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T wo friends are in a bar moaning about how ugly their women are.
The first guy says his wife is uglier.
The second says come with me and I’ll show you my wife.
The 2 guys head out and get to the 2nd one’s house.
The guy opens the cellar door and says” Honey could you come up here?”
She says `”Should I put the bag over my head?” And he says “No, I don’t want to fсuк you, just show you to someone.”

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A man was on a long walk in the country. He became thirsty so decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire.

There was a baby pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.

The housewife replied, "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."

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A guy to a friend: “After three sets golf clubs and ten years of lessons, I am finally getting some fun out of golf. I quit.”

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The Good, The Bad and The Ugly … …
…
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids ….
Bad: You can’t find your birth control pills ….
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them ….
….
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter ….
Bad: She keeps interrupting …
Ugly: With corrections
Good: You’re son is dating someone new.
Bad: It’s another man.
Ugly: He’s you’re best friend.

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I and my friend Steve were fishing all afternoon and didn’t even get a bite. In fact we didn’t see any fish activity at all so we packed up our gear and turned the boat toward shore. …
…
As we approached the dock, it was obvious why the fish weren’t biting in the deep water, they were all crowded in under the docks. Fish everywhere, all acting loopy and you could smell the smoky odor of gаnjа everywhere. ….
….
Leave it to the fish to find the best seaweed to get sтоnеd.

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I called AAA, and it's, like, a hundred bucks a year. I said, 'Forget that.' I just joined AA -- that way if my car breaks down, I just call up a friend. 'Aw man, my car broke down. I think I'm going to have a drink.' 'No, don't. I'll come and get you.'

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Canadians are more polite when they are being rude than Americans are when they are being friendly.

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