Lawyer Jokes

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Тия дни навън е толкова студено It’s so cold I saw a socialists Тази сутрин беше толкова студено Ayer hacía tanto frío que hasta vi a un político con las manos en SUS propios bolsillos... Era un país tan frío Spørgsmål: - Er det koldt udenfor? Svar: - Det tror jeg. Jeg så en advokat med hænderne i sine egne lommer! 30 degrees... It was so cold out today that even the lawyers had their hands in their own pockets. En kväll var det SÅ kallt så jag såg en advokat med händerna i sina EGNA fickor. Pernai žiemą buvo taip šalta Do you know how cold the weather was today? It was so cold
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Unterschied zwischen Maus und Blondine Πώς καταλαβαίνεις σε ένα τρακάρισμα αν σκοτώθηκε αράπης ή σκύλος; Каква е разликата между прегазен негър и прегазено куче? Qual a diferença e ntre um político e um cachorro atropelados? antes do cachorro Wat is het verschil tussen een aangereden hond en een aangereden turk? - Bij de hond staan er remsporen Mitä eroa on tiellä kuolleella koiralla ja asianajajalla? - Koiran edessä on jarrutusjäljet - Vad är det för skillnad på överkörd kanin och en överkörd norrman? - Det är inga bromsspår framför norrmannen. - Vet du vad det är för skillnad mellan en överkörd hare och en överkörd AIK-supporter? - Ingen aning! - Det är bromsspår framför haren Mi a különbség az elütött kutya és az elütött politikus között? - ??? - A kutya előtt van féknyom. - Ar ko atšķiras nobraukts policists no nobraukta suņa? - Pirms suņa ir bremžu sliede.
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After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary.
His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith's multi million dollar home and since the man's lawyers were a little better he prevailed.
He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out.
She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.
On the 2nd day she had to movers come and collect her things.
On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house.
The Maid quit.
Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house ha been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.
INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS...
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Lawyer Rates Anwälte В една адвокатска кантора се провежда следният разговор: - Трябва да знаете Sagt ein Mann zum Anwalt: Мъж отива при адвокат за помощ. Un signore va da un avvocato e gli chiede: "Ma è vero che lei chiede mille euro ogni tre domande? Non le sembra di essere un po' troppo caro?" "Sì" risponde l'avvocato "E qual è la sua terza domanda?" Un homme demande à un avocat : - Quel est le montant de vos honoraires ? - 10 000 euros pour 3 questions Un uomo si reca nello studio di un avvocato e gli chiede quale sia il suo onorario. E l'avvocato: "100.000 lire ogni 3 domande". "Ma non e' un po' caro?". E l'avvocato: "Si' Ruft ein Mann beim Rechtsanwalt an: "Wie teuer sind drei Fragen bei Ihnen?" "Das kostet 500 Euro." "Ist das nicht etwas teuer?" "Nein Pewien mężczyzna zwraca się do adwokata Der Anwalt erklärt: “Ich bin ein Spitzenjurist und meine Zeit ist Gold wert! Daher dürfen Sie mir für die 150 Euro Honorar nur 3 Fragen stellen!” Darauf der Mandant: “Drei Fragen für 150 Euro? Ist... У адвоката запитують: - Скільки ви берете? - 1000 доларів за 3 питання. - Так дорого?! - Так. І яким буде ваш третє питання? Klaus fragt seinen Anwalt: „Was kostet es A man needing some legal help walks into a law firm. He asks an attorney: "If I give you $300 to help answer two legal problems I have Virtasen juuri perustamaan asianajotoimistoon saapui ensimmäinen asiakas. Virtanen ilmoitti U prawnika: - Jaką opłatę muszę wnieść Un hombre va a un abogado. - ¿Y usted cuánto cobra por una consulta rápida? - 300 euros por tres preguntas. - Vaya Mies käveli sisään lakiasiaintoimistoon ja kysyi hintoja. - 300 markkaa ja kolme kysymystä «Du er jo kjent for å være en dyktig advokat Egy ügyfél kérdezi az ügyvédtől: - Mennyi tiszteletdíjat kér jogi tanácsokért? - 20.000 forintba kerül három válasz. - Nem túl drága ez egy kicsit? - De igen. És mi a harmadik kérdése? Přijde muž k právníkovi do kanceláře a ptá se A man phones a lawyer and asks Батко Ѓорѓија отишја куде адвоката и га прашуе: - Извини да те прашам
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Ο υδραυλικός. Лекарот и водоводџијата Доктор Един професор по математически анализ се прибрал и видял че крана на мивката в кухнята му капе. В дома на един лекар се развалил водопровода. У врача дома засорился унитаз. Вызвали водопроводчика. Водопроводчик пришел A casa di un medico si guasta il lavandino del bagno e C'est un médecin neurochirurgien qui a une fuite d'eau chez lui. Il appelle un plombier pour faire la réparation. Dans la journée När överläkaren kom hem från sjukhuset fick han till sin förskräckelse se att det läckte vatten från ett element. Han ringde till rörmokaren och denne kom omgående. Rörmokaren tätade läckan på fem... - Γιατρός: Μα
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What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in wet cement?
Not enough cement.
Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?
Yeah, it comes with half of Ken's things and alimony.
What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
Lawyer's don't think they're funny, and no one else thinks they're jokes.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery.
Where can you find a good lawyer?
At the city morgue.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes Benz full of lawyers?
The porcupine has рriскs on the outside.
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How do you кill 4000 lawyers? A: You build a new Titanic and declare it cannot sink. Q: What's the strongest argument against both theories of origin? A: Politicians and lawyers. Who in their right mind would create (or evolve into) these species? Q: If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus? A: Never enough. Q: Have you heard about the lawyers word processor? A: No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print. Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? A: An offer you can't understand. Q: What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School? A: A lobotomy. Q: What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? A: One's a bottom-crawling sсuм sucker and the other's just a fish. Q: What is the difference between a female lawyer and a catfish? A: One's slimey and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water.
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