Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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A tired and frustrated wife arrived home late from work and quietly entered the master bedroom where she saw four sets of feet hanging over the end of the bed. Furious, she grabbed an umbrella and began to hit the covers hearing groans from underneath them.
Exhausted she goes down the stairs to the kitchen for a stiff drink where she is shocked to see her husband standing in the kitchen.
"Your mom and dad arrived unexpectedly, so I gave them our room. Did you say hello?"

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Last week at Walmart my wife let me push the cart instead of riding in it!

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The blonde Anna made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.
"We've been trying for months now, doctor, to get pregnant," she confessed miserably.
"I'm sure we'll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her.
"If you'll just take off your clothes and lie down on examining table."
"Well, all right, doctor," agreed the Anna, blushing, "but It would have been better to have my husband's baby.

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As the mother-in-law tucked into dinner at our place, she noticed the dog at her feet wagging his tail.
“Oh bless, is he pleased to see me?” she giggled.
“No love, don’t mind him!” I said. “It’s just you’re eating off his plate.”

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Outside a PHOTO studio.. an innovative Tagline
“We can shoot your wife and also frame your mother-in-law”…
On demand we can even nail and hang them

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The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died.
His family are taking it really hard.

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Father in a conversation with a neighbor...
First son: Degree in Economics
Second son: MBA
Third son: PhD
Fourth son: Thief
Neighbor: Why can't you throw the fourth son out of your house?
Father: He is the only one earning money. The rest are unemployed.

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When my friend got a job, her husband agreed to share the housework. He was stunned by the amount of effort involved in keeping a house clean with small boys to pick up after, and insisted that he and his wife shop for a new vacuum cleaner.
The salesman gave them a demonstration of the latest model. “It comes equipped with all the newest features,” he assured them.
The husband was not convinced. “Don’t you have a riding one?” he asked.

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The baby gets furious when I try to undress him. Must get that from his mother.

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As long as the power button to the PlayStation is in the 'on' position, she just slipped to number two on your list of priorities. And no woman wants to slip. She don't wanna be behind your mama, your friends, your career -- certainly not John Madden.

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Need Some Drama in your life?
Go to a stranger’s wedding and scream, "Don’t Marry I Still Love You!" and then watch the reactions.

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The number of a distinct combinations in a 40 move game of chess is far greater than the number of electrons in the observable universe.
Although my wife has more excuses for not having sеx.

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In the car, I said to my wife, “You’ve been driving this haven’t you?”
She said, “How do you know?”
I said, “Because the clutch is knackered.”
She said, “Don’t blame me, I’ve never used it.”

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My wife and I just separated not too long ago. Actually, it's a trial separation, which, as you well know, it turns out to be the separation before the trial.

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My friend said to me, “My wife makes Susan Boyle look beautiful.”
I said, “Thank God you said that. I’ve been wanting to say something for years. She’s so fuскing ugly. What were you thinking when you married her?”
He said, “…No, you fuскing сunт, she’s Susan’s new personal make-up artist.”

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Three Rules of Marriage to avoid disaster.
1. Never come home at 4am and ask for breakfast.
2. Never leave the toilet seat up.
3. Wife is never wrong.

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When you're first in love, you cannot sleep close enough to that person you're in love with. At the beginning of the relationship, you're like, 'Come here, honey. Let's stay like this forever.' A short five years later, my wife is laying on my arm for 10 seconds too long, I'm like, 'Owwww. Get off my arm, man.'

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I'm in a relationship right now, you know, crossing my fingers. The relationship is great; the sеx is great. My friends said, 'Whoa, you've had sеx out of wedlock?' I said, 'Oh no, she's married.'

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