Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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A man and his wife have to go to a doctor. The doctor asks:
“Do you share the same blood group?”
The husband replies:
“We must by now. She’s been suскing my blood for years.”

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Despite protests, I put a high-voltage electric fence around my property.
My wife’s dead against it.

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Do you know why only 30% of wives make it to heaven?
Because if there were more, it would be hеll instead.

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- Mommy, why are all the cars beeping their horns?
- Because there’s a wedding going on.
- But isn’t the horn a warning signal, Mommy?
- Exactly, son.

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“I’ve had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I’m leaving you!”
“But honey, what about our child?”
“What child?!”
“Oh, so you’re not pregnant?”

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“Fancy that, Bob, I bought my wife an amazing white gold necklace with a platinum pendant and she didn’t speak to me for a month!”
“Really?! What got her so upset?”
“Nothing, that was part of the deal.”

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Women. A weak and helpless being from whom nothing can protect you.

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At a medical check-up:
- Do you do dangerous sports?
- Well, sometimes I talk back at my wife.

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Wife: “You know what? I refuse to talk about this anymore!”
Wife 10 second later: “And you know what else?”

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How did you like your lunch today, darling?”
“Oh you just have to look for reasons to fight, don’t you?!”

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Optimist. A man who leaves the engine running when his wife says she’s “just going to run inside the shop to grab a bottle of milk.”

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“Hey George, what would you give to have my wife?”
“Are you high?! Not a penny.”
“Deal! She’s yours!”

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My wife and I often exchange opinions.
I come with my own and leave with hers.

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Arguing with the wife is a lot like trying to read the Terms of Use on the internet.
In the end you just give up and go “I Agree”.

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I’ve never been married, but I can imagine how it feels.
I once had a stone stuck in my shoe for 10 hours.

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Losing a wife can be very tough. Some may even say impossible.

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Women really know how to hold a grudge. My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm. And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue. It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!

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- Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.
- You don’t need make-up, Jane.
- Oh, Richard…. really? That is so sweet of you!
- You need plastic surgery.

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