Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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My wife and I have been married for quite a few years and my wife asked me recently to get some pills that would make sure I’d be up to some action in the bedroom again.
I brought home diet pills. Apparently very much not what she meant.

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Me as best man: I heard the best man’s speech should last as long as the groom lasts in bed. Thank you very much for your attention. Enjoy the wedding.

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We’ve had some problems and after a while decided to go for marriage counseling. And despite my initial reservations, I must say we got some excellent advice. Like, I should treat my wife as I did when we started dating.
So last week I took her to the cinema. Then I dropped her off at her parents!

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Q: Why doesn’t our democratic society permit a man to have 2 wives?
A: Because our laws protect us against cruel and unusual punishment.

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My wife told me she needs more space. I said no problem and locked her out of the house.

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I think as marriages go, we’re doing absolutely awesome, I mean I get to sleep with my wife nearly every day!
Nearly on Monday
Nearly on Tuesday
Nearly on Wednesday
Nearly on Thursday
Nearly on Friday
Nearly on Saturday
Nearly on Sunday

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I tried to re-marry my ex-wife. But she figured out I was only after my money.

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I got a call telling me my wife’s been taken to the hospital.
“Oh my Lord, how is she?!” I asked.
“I’m sorry to say she’s critical,” said the nurse.
“What the heck is she complaining about again?!”

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A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception. His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?
“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."
His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.
"Well", he replied. "I said I was 87!"

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A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?”
“Yes, sir,” says the customer and gets promptly shot.
“Have you seen me rob this bank?” the robber asks another customer.
“Absolutely not, sir, but my wife here saw everything!”

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“Darling, can I go out in this dress?”
“Yes dear, it’s already dark out.”

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Newlyweds wake up one morning on their honeymoon and the man suggests: "Darling, why don’t you brew us some coffee?"
Wife looks confused: "But that's your task, honey."
“What? Why?”
"It’s all over the Bible, dearest."
The Bible says nothing about who’s supposed to be brewing coffee!"
The wife grabs hold of a copy and starts flipping pages at random: "See? Everywhere: Hebrews, Hebrews, Hebrews."

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A little boy looks at his mum at a wedding and says, “Mummy, why is the girl dressed all in white?”
His mum answers, “The girls is called a bride and she is in white because she’s very happy and this is the happiest day of her life.”
The boy nods and then says, “OK, and why is the boy all in black?”

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– It’s our anniversary, dear. How do you suggest we celebrate it?
– With a minute of silence?

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Honey, do you think I gained weight?
No, I think the living room got smaller.

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- Honey, what will you give me for our 25th anniversary?
- A trip to Thailand?
- Wow, that’s awesome, and for our 50th anniversary?
- Then I pick you up again.

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I got really angry with my sat nav today. I even yelled at it to go to hеll. 20 minutes later, it brought me in front of my mother-in-law’s house.

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A man noticed his credit card has been stolen - but he never reported it. The thief was still spending considerably less than his wife.

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