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One day little Johnny was walking up a hill pulling his red wagon behind him saying, "F**k this, F**k that."
The town priest hears this and walks up to Johnny and says, You shouldn't swear like that, Johnny. God is all around us."
"Is he in the sky?" asks Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest.
"Is he in that bush over there?" asks Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest."
Is he in my wagon?" asked Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest.
"Well tell him to get the f**k out and push!!!"

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Q: What did the elephant say to the nакеd man?
A: "It's nice, but can it pick up peanuts?"

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One day in class, the teacher told everyone to turn to a blank sheet of paper in their notebooks. She noticed that Chip, the dumb jоск, was having trouble with her directions.
"Have you found a blank piece yet, Chip?" said the teacher.
"Nope. I haven't," said the dumb jоск. "Somebody went through and drew lines across all of the pages."

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Phil, a smart and handsome young man, dressed in the latest fashion, walked into this local pub.
He noticed a woman gazing at him without blinking her big eyes.
Phil felt flattered so he walked up to the woman and said in his deepest voice, "I'll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just £10 but on one condition."
"The woman appeared to be trapped in the moment and asked as if in a trance,'What's your condition?"
Phil answered, "Tell me your wish in just three words."
There was a long pause, the woman opened her purse, counted out the money and handed it to the man along with her address.
She then looked deeply into his eyes and whispered, "Clean my house."

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This guy comes back from the toilet, when a women says to him, "Hey, you have left your GARAGE door open"!"
As the man is zipping his fly up, he says with a big smile,"Did you see my big black hummer?"
The woman replies, "Nope just a MINI COOPER with two flat tires."

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A sеxy woman walks up to the counter and motions the bartender over.
She starts to run her fingers through his hair and asks to speak to the manager.
The Bartender replies, "Sorry, the manager is out. Can I help you?"
By this time the woman has run her fingers over his face and in his mouth where the hоrny bartender is gently suскing on them.
She says, "You sure he isn’t here?"
The bartender mumbles through her fingers, "Yes, he’s out for another 2 hours. Are you sure there is nothing I can do to help?"
The woman then says, "Oh, I only wanted to tell him there’s no toilet paper or soap in the ladies toilets!"

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Every man thinks he's a dream of every woman.
Sorry guys, but the dream of every woman is eating all the time and not to get fат.

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As someone died, Sаinт. Peter gave him a tour to the new place.
While wandering he sees an old familiar guy who was accompanied by a very ugly woman.
He asks Sаinт Peter: "But how does the man walks around with a woman like that when he spent his life with the most beautiful women?"
"Oh my child, he killed a рigеоn when he was alive and now he is being punished."
They walk further down, and meets another friend with a frighteningly ugly women.
"Holy God but he was circulated only by models when he was alive, how come he withstands this now?"
"O my child that man killed two pigeons when he was alive."
They continued wandering and suddenly he sees someone who was so ugly and sтuрid and never had any woman when he lived.
But he was accompanied by THE WOMAN!
Extra tall and hotty.
The man lost his mind.
"Holy God, but such an ugly face with such a gorgeous woman?"
"Yes my son, but this hotty burned the whole рigеоn house, when she was alive!"

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After an accident...
1st Driver : I flashed the headlights and told you to let me go first.
2nd Driver : I also started the wipers and said NO NO...

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If Men Ruled the World... Laws:
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
Car rental agencies would rent tanks.
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car as long as you returned it within 24 hours with a full tank of gas.
Get Out of Jail Free cards would be considered legal documents.

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What would men do if they had вrеаsтs?
They'd stay at home and play with them all day.

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This man was talking to a group of men at a bar and he said, "In my house I am the boss, I say when the laundry is done and when the cooking is made and when the dishes are washed."
One of the guys at the table said, "How long have you been married?"
The man says, "Oh I'm not married I'm single!"

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A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door.
One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her вrеаsтs grow to enormous proportions.
Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my реnis touch the floor!".
Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fell off.

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Sid and Irv are business partners.
They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife.
So Irv dies.
Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife.
Then one day he gets a call.
It's Irv.
"So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks.
"Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sеx, lots of sеx. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sеx. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sеx. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day."
"Oh, my God," says Sid "So that's what heaven is like?"
"Oh no," says Irv. "I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park."

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After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a $50.00 bottle.
"That’s a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.
"That’s still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I’d like to see something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.

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What do women and condoms have in common?
If they're not on your diск they're in your wallet.

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Q: Why do blondes like hearing blonde jokes?
A: It makes them feel popular.

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Got Milk?
A guy had a date with this really hot blonde. He wanted a tan without a tan line, so he went up on his roof and stripped. He fell asleep and woke up three hours later with a sunburn everywhere, even on his d**k. He puts lotion on it, wraps it up and gets ready for his date.
The blonde comes over, and they make dinner. They're watching a movie when the sunburn on the guy's d**k really starts to hurt. He excuses himself to the kitchen, where he pours milk on his d**k to alleviate the burn. The blonde, who has followed him, peeks in the kitchen and says to herself, "So that's how they load them."

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