Men-Women jokes

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Bigamy is having one husband too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.

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What do you call a woman that works like a man??
Lazy.

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How do you know if your man is dead?
The sеx is the same, but there's less ironing.

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Men are like guns.
Keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.

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This black woman was vastly overweight, and I mean MASSIVE and she went to see the doctor about her weight.
She said to him, "Have you got any dieting remedies or anything that can help me loose weight?"
The doctor replies,
"Yes we do, all you need to do is shake your head from left too right, simple eh?!"
She says,
"WOW that's amazing, um... when do I do it?"
The doctor says,
"Next time your ordered food."

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Q: How do you know when a blonde's been sending email?
A: There are envelopes in the disk drive.

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How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger between his neck and the noose.

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If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.

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What do you do if your dishwasher breaks down?
Kick her where the sun don't shine.

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A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg, рissеd off, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and pulls the blanket over him and says, "I guess we answered that question!"

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Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

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Q: What's the difference between a rooster and a blonde?
A: A rooster says, "Соск-a-doodle-doo," and a blonde says, "Any c**k'll do."

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Did you hear about the man who got a vasectomy at Sears?
Now every time he gets excited, the garage door goes up.

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Men are like buses.
They have spare tires and smell funny.

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Men are like..... Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

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Ladies and Gentlemen, if there is anybody here who is feeling, worried, nervous or apprehensive it is probably because you just married John.

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Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there.
Sometimes you want to express how sтuрid they really are and here's how...
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Surfing in Nebraska.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The cheese slid off his сrаскеr.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour рiss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the sтuрid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

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How many men does it take to please a woman.
Impossible.
Once a woman's done вiтсhing about the men they're all asleep.

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