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Men-Women jokes

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Q: How did Helen Keller discover маsтurватiоn?
A: She tried to read her own lips.
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Q: Why did Helen Keller маsтurвате with only one hand?
A: So she could moan with the other hand.
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Geek Воотy Call... Math:
How about we add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs and multiply?
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Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
A: They don't have a реnis to put them in!
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Q: Why is a man's рее yellow and his sреrм white?
A: So he can tell if he's coming or going.
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How are men like lightbulbs?
You have to sсrеw both of them to get a response!
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Q: How many men does it take to sсrеw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to actually do the sсrеwing and four others to brag that they did.
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Q: Why are men like blenders?
A: Every woman who has one doesn't know why.
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Have you ever read that married men live longer than single men?
What they don't tell you is that married men are much more willing to die.
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A man walks up to a stranger in the street.
"Do you like рussy cats?" said the stranger.
"Yeah, I do," said the man. "But how did you know my name was 'Katz?''
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What do mice and men have in common?
They both run around hunting for holes!
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Why'd they create the microwave?
So blondes could cook, too!
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A women came home one day with a mirror and told her husband it was magic.
Her husband told her to prove it. She said watch, ''Mirror, mirror on the wall, make my воовs biggest of all.'' Sure enough, they grew huge. The husband was amazed and said, "Ooh, oooh, let me try! Mirror, mirror show me more, make my diск touch the floor.'' His legs fell off.
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One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery going through the old scrolls.
"You see, there are the originals," said the first monk. "All the new scrolls were copied from these."
"Can I see one?"
"Sure. This is one outlines the rules for monkdom-" All of a sudden, the monk's face turns white and he falls to his knees.
"What? What does it say?"
"Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!"
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A very hоrny guy is stranded on an island with a monkey. After a while, he decides to have sеx with the monkey, but the monkey continually slips out of his grip and runs away.
One day, a very attractive girl is drowning in the ocean and the guy saves her.
She says, "I'll do anything to repay you."
The man says, "Can you help me catch that dамn monkey?"
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Q: What has 40 teeth and holds back a monster?
A: My zipper.
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A man's house is on fire. He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside. Then he runs back in and gets his daughter and brings her outside. Then his wife. Then the dog. Then he goes back in a couple of times without bringing out anybody.
So a fireman asks him, "Why are you going back in there?"
The man replies, "I'm turning over my mother-in-law."
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An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky goes."
"I'm sorry sir.", said the ticket agent, "We don't allow animals in the theater."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge", whispered Mildred.
"What", said Marge.
"I think this guy next to me is a pervert.", said Mildred.
"What makes you think that", asked Marge.
"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it", said Marge, "At our age we've seen them all."
"I thought so", said Mildred, "But this one is eating my popcorn!"
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