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Once there was a guy that went in a whоrеhоusе and says, What can I get for five bucks?
The madam says, Second door on the right and f**k whatever is there. He goes, sees a pig, figured Whaddya want for five bucks? and f**ks it. The next week he comes back and asks what he can get for $20. The madam says, Second floor, second door on the right, watch what happens. He goes in, sits down and looks down, he sees a glass floor with a view of a guy f**king a chicken on the first floor. He says to the man next to him, Look at him with the chicken. That's crazy. The guy responds, You shoulda been here last week - some guy was f**king a pig!

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An old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs, and every morning the farmer would head out to feed them.
And every morning, he would see all the pigs sсrеwing up a storm. He would get turned on by this and try to get back to the house in time to sсrеw his wife - but he always got soft before he got there. So one day, he took his hatchet and headed out to the pig pen.
"No!" said his wife. "Don't кill those pigs!"
"I'm not going to кill them. I'm moving the pen closer to the house."

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A farmer had just bought some pigs for breeding, but didn't quite know how to do it.
He soon found out that the vet would charge him $200 a pig. That was a little rich for his blood, so he figured he might be able to do it himself. So for three weeks, he'd load up all the pigs in the truck and take 'em to an isolated location where nobody would see him doing it. After three weeks, none of the pigs were pregnant, so he decided to forget about it for a morning. That morning, his wife happened to look out the window.
"Honey? What are you doing to those pigs?"
"What do you mean?" asked the farmer.
"One's honking the horn, and the others are rocking the back of the truck."

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Pinocchio and his girlfriend were having problems. Every time they would do it, she would complain about splinters, so Pinocchio went to Gepetto about the problem.
Gepetto told Pinocchio to go to the hardware store and buy some sandpaper to sand off the splinters before he had sеx with his girlfriend.
A week later, Gepetto asked Pinocchio, "So how's it going with your girlfriend?"
Pinocchio said, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

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A blonde orders a pizza and is asked if she wants it cut into six or 12 pieces. She responds, "Six, please. I could never eat 12 pieces."

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A man notices a blonde suскing on the bottom of a Coke can. Curious, he asks her what she's doing.
"Duh! It says for best taste drink by date on the bottom."

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Q: What do porcupines say after they kiss?
A: "Ouch."

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I should have known that my last relationship wasn't gonna last because it's not a good sign when your girlfriend's favorite position in bed is the fetal position.

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Q: Two little potatoes stand on the street corner. One is a рrоsтiтuте. How can you tell which one is the рrоsтiтuте?
A: It's the one with the little sticker that reads: "I-DA-НО." Also, she has hеrреs sores on her lips.

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Q: What do you get when you cross a реnis and a potato?
A: A dic-tater.

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Q: If there were four potatoes in a room, which one would be the рrоsтiтuте?
A: The one that's labeled "Idaho."

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Q: How do you get a pound of meat out of a fly?
A: Unzip it.

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Q: What do you call a 350-pound stripper?
A: Broke.

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A middle aged woman lived alone except for her pet, a male parrot. The woman was very proud of her parrot because it would sit in the bottom of its cage, cross its wings, and pray. She was also a devout church goer and would often brag to the congregation about her faithful parrot.
One day the women was boasting about her parrot's prayers. An older gentleman was simply amazed by this. ''I have a female parrot and she's just terrible. My son raised her and all she does is curse. She's the most foul mouthed creature I've ever heard,'' he sighed. ''Maybe if we put my parrot with your parrot he would teach mine how to pray and stop cursing so much.''
The woman readily agreed to this and a few days later the gentleman brought his parrot by. The woman's parrot sat praying in the bottom of the cage as they placed the female inside with him. The parrot instantly stopped praying, hopped up, looked the female over and shouted, ''Hot dамn!! This is what I've been praying for!!''

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Q: What parts of a woman do men like most?
A: Some guys are вuтт guys, some guys are воов guys, and some guys prefer looking at the tops of heads.

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Q: Why does a blond prefer BMW over Chevrolet?
A: She can spell BMW.

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Sеx is like a math problem to me:
I work real hard on it for a few minutes, and in the end, I get it all wrong, always leave a remainder.

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Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: Who knows why the heck they do anything?

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