Military Jokes

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Do you speak english? Interviewer: Αχμέτ Χουσεϊν Temel Amerika'ya gelir uçaktan iner pasaport olayı filan falan - Do you speak English? — Qual o seu nome? "Name?" Neulich bei der Einwanderungsbehörde: No balcão da Alfandega: Seu nome ? Abu Abdalah Sarafi. Sexo? Quatro vezes por semana. Não - Name? - Abdul Anubi al-Dzabiri. - Sex? - Four times a week - No En man som är dålig på engelska kommer in på en arbetsförmedling i Holland för att söka jobb! - Name - Abu Dalah Sarafi. - Sex? - Four times a week. - No Q: Your name please? A: Abdul Aziz Q: Sex? A: Yes. Two times every week. Q: No no. I mean An arab at the airport: - Name? - Abdul al-Rhazib. - Sex? - Three to five times a week. - No An arab at the airport: - Name? - Abdul al Rahzib. - Sex? - Three to five times a week. - No Q: Naam? A: Abdul Asis Q: Sexe? A: Ja iedere week 2 keer. Q: Nee En la oficina árabe le atienden por teléfono: - ¿Me dice su nombre All’Ufficio Immigrazioni: – Nome? – Mhoamhed. – Sesso? – 5 volte alla settimana. – Ma non in quel senso: maschio o femmina? – No importa Chiedono a Gheddafi: "ciao - NAME? - Muhjmatil Ahmed. - SEX? - Three times a week! - NO - Name? - Abdul al-Rhazib. - Sex? - Three to five times a week. - No An Arab at the airport: - 'Name?' - 'Abdul al-Rhazib.' - 'Sex?' - 'Three to five times a week.' - 'No
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A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator.
Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal.
I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my gеniтаls inside.
The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
If it works, everyone buys me drinks."
The crowd agrees.
The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth.
Gator closes mouth.
After a minute, the guy grabs a вееr bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head.
The gator opens wide, and he removes his gеniтаls unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks.
Then he says:
"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar.
It's a woman.
"I'll give it a try," she says,
"But you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the вееr bottle."
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Obama and his generals in the Pentagon discussed, and they could not agree on, what is the best time for the аssаulт on Russia.
Finally, they decide to ask the French:
"When is it best to invade Russia?"
The French answered:
"We do not know, but certainly not in the winter, it would go wrong for sure."
Therefore, it would probably be better to ask the Germans:
"When is it best to invade Russia?"
The Germans answer:
"We do not know, but it certainly would not be in the summer. We have tried, already..."
What to do?
Someone proposes to ask China that is progressive and always comes up with a new idea.
So they asked the Chinese, "When is the best time to invade Russia?"
The Chinese replies:
"Right now!"
Russia began to build "The Strength of Siberia" pipeline, "Turkish stream", The Spaceport "Vostochny", The Bridge to the Crimea, and in the near future they will modernize the BAM, they are building new sports complexes for the World Cup in football and athletics, they are planning oil extraction in the Arctic...
Right now they do need a lot of POW as work force.
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SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and is often over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it . . . and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up -- because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed -- because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL -- Definitely female, because it gives men pleasure; he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
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