The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought... He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
- She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
It has been revealed that the latest research shows more money is now spent on воов jobs and Viаgrа than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, the elderly will all have perky t*ts and stiff соскs, but absolutely no idea why.
- -----------
After a week of sunbathing on the beach, my wife was looking at her tan in the mirror.
“That’s weird,” she said, “my armpits are still white.”
“I’m not surprised,” I replied. “When you go торlеss, that’s where your t*ts end up.”
- -------------
My missus dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled, “You’re being charged with being good in bed…” After two minutes she said she was dropping the charge due to lack of evidence.
- ------------
A woman has sued a hospital, stating that, after recent treatment, her husband had lost interest in sеx. The doctors replied: ‘All we did was correct his eyesight’
- -----------
I heard the sеxuаl moans of my neighbors girlfriend the other night. So in my best mortal combat voice I yelled “FINISH HEEEEER” they laughed.
20 minutes later I heard him scream “ROUND TWO… FIGHT”
- -------------
I knew this girl who wanted вiggеr воовs, but couldn’t afford proper implants, so she had her uncle make her a false set out of pine. Would be great if I had a punchline to go with that though, wooden тiт?
- -------------
I was waiting at the bus stop when a fат woman waddled up.
“When’s it due, love?” I asked.
“You cheeky ваsтаrd!” she spat.
“The bus, chubby,” I said. “Who’d want to fсuк you?”
- -------------
My new girlfriend just said, “After an оrgаsм, I like to kiss and cuddle, then fall asleep in each others arms. What about you?”
I said, “I usually delete my browsing history and throw the tissues away.”
- --------------
My girlfriend asked, “Do you want to get married?”I said, “Sure.”She said, “Great, when?”
I said, “Well like every other guy, when I meet the right girl.”
- ---------------
I said to my girlfriend last night, “Would you mind popping down to Wal-Mart and walking up and down the paint section for me?”
“What for?” she replied.
I said, “Because you can get thinner there you fат вiтсh.”
- ------------
Old Man1: My hands shake so badly, that I always cut my face while shaving.
Old Man2: That’s nothing. While рissing yesterday, I masturbated twice!!
- ------------
L ittle Johnny and his dad went shopping at the grocery store. Walking down an aisle, Johnny asked his dad if he could have a box of Lucky Charms. His dad said,” Well, Johnny, can you touch your аsshоlе with your diск?” Johnny said, “No!!” Johnny’s dad said, “Well, there’s your answer.”
Later, Johnny asked if he could have Spagettios. His dad, again, said, “Can you touch your аsshоlе with your diск?” Johnny said,”No!!” His dad said, “Well, there’s your answer.” At the end of the shopping trip, Johnny’s dad felt bad about how he had talked to Johnny, so he bought him an instant lottery ticket. Johnny scratched the ticket and found that he won $1,000!!! His dad said,”Hey, Johnny, you gonna share the money with your old man? Johnny asked,”Dad, can you touch your аsshоlе with your diск?” Johnny’s dad said.,”As a matter of fact, I can!”
Johnny said,”GOOD, GO FUСК YOURSELF!!”
An elderly man enters a jewelry store on a Friday night with a beautiful, much younger woman and states that he is looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler brings out a $5,000 ring. The man says,
"No, I'd like to see something more special."
The jeweler returns, this time with a $50,000 ring. The woman's eyes sparkle and the man seeing this, says,
"We'll take it! I will give you a check now, so you can verify the funds on Monday with the bank. I'll then pick up the ring that afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler phones to tell the man, "Sir, there's no money in that account."
"I know," is my reply. "But let me tell you about my weekend!"
A guy’s driving down a country road when he comes upon a sign saying “Apples - $5.00 each.”
He thinks that’s a lot of money so he decides to go see what’s up. He goes up to the farmer and says, “Hey, how come these apples are 5 bucks each?” The farmer replies, “They are peanut butter and jelly apples.” The farmer hands him one and says, “Here, try one.” So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says, “Peanut butter - that’s great, but I thought you said that they were peanut butter and jelly apples.” The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man bites the other side and exclaims “son of a gun - jelly!” The man says, “These apples are great - give me some!”
He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road and then sees another sign “Apples - $10 each.” Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and says, “Hey, what’s up with these apples?” The farmer says, “They’re ham and cheese apples. Here, try one.” The guy takes a bit and exclaims, “Son of a gun - ham!” The guy then says, “Let me guess - I have to turn it around.” The farmer says “You got it.” The guy bites the other side and says, “Cheese.” Again the man says, “These apples are great - give me some.”
Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road. He comes upon a third sign that says “Apples - $50 each.” The guy really wants to see what’s up with these apples. Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says, “What’s the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?” The farmer tells him that “These apples are рussy apples. Here, try one.” The guy takes a bite out of it and says, “Yuck! This apple tastes like shiт!” The farmer says, “Turn it around!”
The answer is simple: you did.
See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He’d tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn’t feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were fсuкing treated you.
At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were “just friends.” Besides, he totally wasn’t your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too bald, or too fат, or too poor, or didn’t know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease. Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you werent dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren’t the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship. So, now, you’re single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered players and dоuсhе bags, you wonder, “What happened to all the nice guys?” Well, once again, you did. You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. You laughed at his consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive “just-a-” friend. Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life. He probably came to realize, one day, that women aren’t really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned, in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when you’re upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realize that, if he wanted a woman like you, he’d have to act more like the boyfriend that you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, and generally acted like more of an аsshоlе than he ever wanted to be. Fact is, now, he’s probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of him is to thank for that. And I’m sorry that it took the complete absence of “nice guys” in your life for you to realize that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys stumble into their lives, if that. So, if you’re looking for a nice guy, here’s what you do: 1.) Build a time machine. 2.) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your аss. 3.) Take a look at what’s right in front of you and grab ahold of it. I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don’t really want a nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism and resentment onto someone just like you. If you were five years younger. So, please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you’ve fcuked yourself over. You’re getting older, after all. It’s time to excise the bullsh1t and deal with reality. You didn’t want a nice guy then, and he certainly doesn’t fсuкing want you, now. Sincerely, A Recovering Nice Guy.
BUSINESS SLOGANS … 25 Funny Lines (Jokes) For The Price of One. (I should make you vote it up 25 times!!!)
…….
Local ad for a Plumber:
“We repair what your husband fixed.” …
…..
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in Pennsylvania:
“Don’t sleep with a drip - call your plumber.” ….
….
Pizza shop slogan:
“7 days without pizza makes one Weak.” ….
….
At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
“Invite us to your next blowout.”
Door of a plastic surgeon’s office:
“Hello, can we pick your nose?”
Sign at the psychic’s Hotline:
“Don’t call us, we’ll call you.”
At a Laundry Shop:
“How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?”
At a Towing Company:
“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want your tows.”
Billboard on the side of the road:
“Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.”
On an Electricians truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”
In a Non-smoking Area:
“If we see smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
On Maternity Room Door:
“Push, Push, Push.”
At an Optometrist’s Office:
“If you don’t see what your looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
On a Taxidermist’s window:
“We really know our stuff.”
In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”
On a Butchers window:
“Let me meat your needs.”
On a fence:
“SalesmEn Welcome, Dog food is expensive.”
At a car Dealership :
“The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”
Outside a Muffler Shop:
“No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming.”
Outside a Hotel:
“Help! We need inn-experienced people.”
On a desk in a reception room:
“We shoot every 3rd salesman and the 2nd one just left.”
In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay! ”
At the Electric Company:
“We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t you will be.”
On the door of a Computer Store:
“Out for a quick byte.”
In a Restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.”