If Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara.
If John, Brad, Tony and Daniel go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.
When the bill arrives, John, Brad, Tony and Daniel will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $34.25. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will admit they want change back.
When Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs.
A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn’t need, because it’s on sale.
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Motel 6.
The average number of items in a woman’s bathroom is 328. The average man would not be able to identify most of them.
Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Women love cats.
Men may say they love cats, but when women are not looking, will men kick cats.
A woman worries about the future - until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future - until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife.
A successful woman is one who can find that a man.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
A woman will dress up when she goes shopping, empties the garbage, answers the phone, waters the plants, gets the mail and reads a book.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed.
Women will somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their best friends, romances, secret hopes and dreams, favorite foods, fears and dental appointments.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Sometime after William died, his widow, Beatrice, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"William thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, he called me to his bedside and handed me three envelopes. 'Bea,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know William is resting very comfortably."
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged William a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'."
Holding her hand in the air, Beatrice said,
"So, do you like my stone?" showing off her ten carat diamond ring.
A man went up to the barman and ordered a drink. With his drink, the barman gave him a bowl of peanuts, and from the bowl of peanuts the man heard a voice say, "I think you look great." But the man just ignored it.
Then the man went over to the cigarette machine, put his money in and got nothing out. He heard a voice from the machine say, "I have never seen such an ugly face."
At this point, the man was confused, so he told the barman about the voices, and the barman said,
"The bowl of peanuts was complimentary, but the cigarette machine is just out of order."
1) Someone came up to me last week and complained about a joke, quite a big-воnеd girl. She said:
“I think you’re fattist.” I said:
“No, I think you’ll find you’re fattest”.
2) If we’re all God’s children, what’s so special about Jesus?
3) Years after the Chernobyl accident and am I the only one that’s disappointed? Still no superheroes.
4) When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church.
5) I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you реnis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It’s the two from my mum that really hurt.
6) Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.
7) I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
8) No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea, you never get that tea.
9) I went up to the airport information desk. I said:
“How many airports are there in the world?”
10) When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in Mexico last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
11) A dog is for life, not just for Christmas. So be careful at the next office Christmas party.
12) I’m not saying Michael Jackson is guilty. But if I was a billionaire раеdорhilе, I’d buy a funfair for my back garden.
13) My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called ‘Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking’. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian…
14) The reason old men use Viаgrа is not that they are impotent. It’s that old women are so very, very ugly.
15) When someone close to you dies, move seats.
16) British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
17) Throwing acid is wrong… in some people’s eyes.
18) Boxers don’t have sеx before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don’t fancy each other.
19) I broke up with a girl once because she lied about her weight. I say that, she died in a bungee jumping accident.
20) I’ve got a friend whose nickname is ‘shаggеr’. You might think that’s pretty cool. She doesn’t like it.
21) The first guy who persuaded a blind person they needed sunglasses - he must have been a hеll of a salesman.
22) My girlfriend recently had a phantom pregnancy. And now we have a little baby ghost.
23) Has anyone else seen those incredibly powerful advertisements in cinemas where each time a famous person clicked their fingers an African child dies? I watched those and couldn’t help thinking:
“Stop clicking your fingers”.
24) In the pursuit of scientific progress, animals have been tortured for the past hundred years. They’re still not talking. I’m starting to think they don’t know anything.
25) I once did a gig in the US once for the homeless. It was nice to see so many bums on seats.
26) They say the camera adds 10lbs. Stop eating cameras!
27) My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sеx. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying:
“Can I have a new bike?” He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.
28) If you tell a girl you like her but she says, “I love you more like a brother”, suggest a weekend in Norfolk. Unless you’re from Norfolk, in which case it probably is your sister.
29) I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him:
“They’re like buses.” He said:
“What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once?” I said:
“No, they are like buses!”
30) My dad’s dying wish was to have his family around him. I can’t help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
31) I did a sponsored walk, once. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.
32) Swimming is good for you, especially if you’re drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don’t die.
33) There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me :
“Oh don’t worry, it happens to a lot of guys”. Okay, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys? And second, if it’s happening to more than one of us don’t you think it could be your fault?
34) My father always used to say:
“What doesn’t кill you, makes you stronger”. Until the accident.
35) My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said:
“Alright, fatty?”
36) Did you know you’re ten times more likely to get mugged in London than New York City? Thats because you don’t live in New York City.
37) I’m not being condescending. I’m too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn’t understand.
38) I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they’re not a ‘proper’ present.
39) I’d rather see a pregnant woman standing on the bus than a fат girl sitting down crying.
40) A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said:
“Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?” I said:
“All right, but we won’t get much done”.
He Was A Sаinт ….
…..
Two brothers were incredibly mean - they lied, cheated, stole, blackmailed, you name it, they did it. Well, anyway, they managed to acquire a lot of money. Then, one of the brothers died. The other brother came to the local priest and said, “You know how much you’ve been wanting to get a new веll tower on the church? Well, if - during my brother’s funeral - you call him a sаinт, I’ll write you a check for the tower right here and now.” Well, the priest thought about it and agreed.
However, during the eulogy, the priest was completely honest about the deceased brother, highlighting each of his faults. (it was a very long speech) Of course, the decease’s brother was very angry, as the priest was not following through on their deal. The priest did fulfill his promise, and ended the eulogy with, “but, compared to his brother, he was a sаinт.”