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Q: What did the lawyer name his daughter?
A: Sue.
Q: And his son?
A: Bill.

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Juan was a Mexican man riding his bike to go across the American border. He was holding two bags full of sand on his back. As soon as he got to the border, the guard stopped him and asked what was in the bags.
Juan replies "sand"
The guard told him that they would see about that and took the bags in to inspect them.
He looked through to see if there were drugs, or if they were actually sand, but it was 100 percent sand.
The guard was confused, but knew he had no proof that Juan was doing anything wrong, so he put the sand in new bags, hefted them onto Juan's back and let him cross.
This same thing happened every day for a few months, until one day, 6 months later, Juan didn't come.
After a few weeks, the guard had a day off so he went to a local bar.
He saw Juan sitting on a table on his own drinking вееr, so he went over to him.
"Hey man, I know you're snuggling something in, I just want to know, between you and me, I promise I won't get you into trouble, what are you snuggling?"
Juan looked at him for a second, drank his вееr then said "bicycles".

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I was walking through the cemetery the other day when a thought crossed my mind.
Call me a sentimental old fool if you like, but I couldn't resist it.
I texted my ex saying 'wish you were here'.

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All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, "What'll ya have?"
The man says, "Gimme a вееr."
The ostrich says, "I'll have one too."
The cat says, "I want two beers, but I'm only gonna pay half price."
The bartender serves up four beers, and tells the man, "that'll be $12.67." The man reaches in his pocket and without even looking sets exact change down on the bar.
After they finish their beers, the bartender asks, "anything else?"
The man says, "Gimme a shot of bourbon."
The ostrich says, "I'll have one too."
The cat says, "I want a double bourbon, but I'm only gonna pay half price."
The bartender serves them and says, "That's $14.03." The man reaches into his pocket and without even looking again sets exact change on the bar.
After that round, the bartender says, "What else will ya have?" The man says, "I need a Jack and Coke." The ostrich says, "Me too!" The cat says, "I want two Jack and Cokes, and I'm only paying..."
"Half price, I know," says the bartender. He sets them up and says, "$16.38, please." The man reaches in his pocket a third time, and again sets exact change on the bar without counting it out.
The bartender asks the man, "How is it that every time you pay for your drink order, you can set exact change on the bar without looking?"
The man says, "Well, some years ago I was walking on the beach in Egypt, and I found a magic lamp in the sand. I rubbed it, and a genie appeared and granted me three wishes for setting him free. So, with the first wish, I wished that no matter what I ever wanted to buy, I would always have exact change for it in my pocket."
The bartender says, "That's brilliant! Most people would wish for a million or five million or whatever. This way, you'll never run out of money, you don't have to worry about carrying it, and you'll never be robbed! Absolutely brilliant."
The man says, "I know, and thank you!"
The bartender says, "So what did you ask for with your other two wishes?"
The man said "A chick with long legs and a tight рussy."

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George W. Bush and Bill Clinton both decided to have biographies written about them.
George called him "The Three Most Powerful Men - Bush, Diск, and Colon".
Bill called his "Sеx Between the Bushes"

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A man asks a farmer near the field, "Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:30 PM train."
The farmer says, "Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you'll even catch the 4 PM one."

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Раddy and Murphy were doing a crossword.
Paddy asks, "How do you spell paint"?
Murphy replies, "What color?"

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What is the one single word that begins with 'n' that you never want to call a black person?
Neighbor.

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Teacher: "Who can tell me 5 wild animals?"
Little Johnny: "2 lions and 3 wolves."

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Knock,Knock,
Who is there?
Pen!
Pen who?
is...

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Q: What do you do with a sick scientist?
A: Well if you can't helium and you can't curium then you might as well barium

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A daughter wakes up at 3 a.m. and asks her mother:
"Mummy, tell me a fairy-tale."
"Daddy will get back soon and he will tell both of us a fairy tale..."

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A bus full of nuns crashes and unforunatly they all die at the gates of heaven they meet St Peter. He asks the first nun:
"Have you ever had any contact with a реnis?"
The nun replies:
"I poked one once."
St Peter says:
"Wash your finger in this holy water and enter heaven."
He asks the next nun the same question, she replies "I findled with one once."
"Wash your hand in this holy water and enter heaven."
Then St Peter hears a commotion among the other nuns and one nun pushes to the front.
"Whats wrong?" he asks.
The nun replies "If im going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to do it before Sister Anne washes her аss in it."

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An elderly couple in their 80's were going to Florida.
At the border, the customs officer asks where they were going.
The wife says "what did he say".
The husband turns to the wife and says the customs officer wants to know where we are going.
He then tells the officer that we are going to Florida.
The customs officer now asks how long they were going to Florida for.
The wife says "what did he say".
The husband turns to the wife and says the customs officer wants to know how long we are going to Florida for.
The husband tells the officer that they were going for 2 months.
The customs officer then asks where they were coming from.
The wife says "what did he say".
The husband turns to his wife and says the customs officer wants to know where we were coming from.
The husband tells the officer that they were from Hamilton.
The customs officer thinks for a minute and tells the husband that he had dated a lady from Hamilton and she was the worst piece of аss he ever had.
The wife says "what did he say".
The husband turns to his wife and says "He thinks he knows you".

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The only time the word incorrectly isn't spelled incorrectly is when it's spelled incorrectly.

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Me: I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present.
Cop: You ARE the lawyer.
Lawyer: So where’s my present?

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I went to a pharmacy and asked for a black соndом.
Manager wondered and asked me, "why black sir?"
"My friend's husband died; I want to console her," I said.

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A guy's talking to a girl in a bar. He asks her, "What's your name?"
She says, "Carmen."
He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?"
She says, "No, I named myself."
He says, "Why Carmen?"
She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?"
He says, "Beerfuck."

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A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right.
The statistician yells, "We got 'em!”

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[first day as a pilot]
Control tower: What are your coordinates?
Me: I'm by a cloud that looks like a lion.
Control tower: Can you be more specific?
Me: Simba

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