Newest jokes - Page 448

A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!"
"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

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A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

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A scoutmaster asked one of his troop what good deed he had done for the day.
"Well, Skip," said the scout, "Dad had only one bottle of вееr left, so I let my baby brother have it."

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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion."
"I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”

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A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender looks down and says, "You know that you have a steering wheel in your pants"
The pirate replies, "Ay, it's drivin' me nuts."

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A Mormon Family, one Monday evening, sat around the fire place and was discussing Church Finances, that included paying Tithing to the Bishop.
Their little five year old boy heard this, than ran to his bedroom, grabbed his piggy bank, went to the Mormon Bishop's home and poured the contents of the piggy bank onto the Bishop's desk.
The Bishop asked, "Is this your tithing?" the little boy said, "No Bishop."
The Bishop than asked him, "Is this your Fast Offering?"
The little boy again said, "No Bishop."
The Mormon Bishop had a puzzeled look about him, and than asked, "If this is not your tithing or not your Fast Offering, than What is it?"
The little boy said, "It's for you, Bishop, Mommy and Daddy just told me that you are the poorest Bishop that we have had."

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A man walks into a bar. Except it was a metal bar, like a pole. So he got hurt.

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A man walks into a bar with a dog.
The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here."
"You don't understand," says the man.
"This is no regular dog, he can talk."
"Listen, pal," says the bartender.
"If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks.
"The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, "What's on top of a house?"
"Roof!"
"Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?"
"Bark!"
"And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"Ruth!"
"I guess you've heard enough," says the man.
"I'll take the hundred in twenties."
The bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says, "get out of here before I belt you."
As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, "Do you think I should have said 'DiMaggio'?"

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A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in September," the friend continued, "my father died, leaving me $90,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"Then last month, my aunt died and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

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A man asks a guy if he likes fishdicks, the sтuрid guy answers like this because he thinks that he said fishsticks so he says,
"Yes, I Love them."
Then the man asks him again and says "Do you like having them in your mouth?"
Then the sтuрid Guy answears like this "Yes I like them in my mouth says the sтuрid guy confused"
Then the man says "What are you, a gayfish?"

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A kid once tried to scare Chuck Norris on Halloween... sadly he has had the hiccups now for 40 years.

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A group of children once said, "Red rover, red rover, send Chuck Norris over."
Those children were the dinosaurs.

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A gang of thieves broke into a blood bank last night and stole a hundred pints of blood.
Police are still hunting for the clots.

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A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee.
The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically "I guess all those fuскing lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately replies, "No, you see that's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."

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A fат woman just served me at McDonalds. She said, "Sorry about the wait." I responded, "Don't worry, you'll lose that eventually."

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A cowboy rode up to the saloon, dismounted from his horse, and dusted himself off.
He then walked around to the rear of his horse, lifted the tail and kissed it right on the rестuм.
As the cowboy walked into the saloon, the shocked barkeeper asked, "Did you just kiss your horse's вuтт?"
The cowboy said, "Sure, I've got chapped lips."
The stunned barkeep asked if this was an old Indian cure.
The cowboy said, "Nope.
But, sure as s**t, it keeps me from licking my lips!"

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A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."
The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!"
Confused, he replies, "Yes Dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."
After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

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A blond was taking a shower and her husband called in and asked "did you find the new dry hair shampoo I picked up for you?" And the blond replied "yes but there's a problem I already got my hair wet"

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Five cannibals from Papua New Guinea are listed in one company as Programmer hired.
When greeting the cannibals, the boss says to them:
′′ You can now work here, earn good money and go to the Going to eat in our canteen. So leave the other staff in peace."
The cannibals vowed high and holy no colleagues to harassing. After four weeks the boss comes back to them and says: ′′ You work very well. However, we are missing a cleaning lady, Do you know what happened to this one?"
The cannibals all answer ′′ no ′′ and swear with the thing to have nothing to do. When the boss is gone ask the upper cannibal the rest of the squad:
′′ Which one of you ate the cleaning lady?"
In the back, the last one is very small:
′′ It was me..."
Says the upper cannibal:
′′ You idiот, we've been feeding on group leaders for four weeks, Department managers, department managers, project managers and Controllers so nobody will notice and you have to sucker eating the cleaning lady!"

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You don't have to wait until midnight to see my ваlls drop.

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