One Liner Jokes, Short jokes

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Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

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“When the hockey season was suspended our Zamboni driver went missing. We weren't worried as we knew he would resurface.”

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A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store. They gave me another one, free of charge.

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Teacher: What is a synonym?
Student: A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other!

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My daughter told me she saw a deer on the way to school.
Me: “How do you know it was going to school?”

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Pickpocket (visiting friend in jail): "I hired a lawyer for you this morning, Slim, but I had to hand him my Rolex as a retainer."
Slim: "Did he keep it?"
Pickpocket: "He thinks he did."

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A man was brought to a hospital with heavily fractured bones. The doctor in the intensive care unit asks him,
"Are you married?"
"No, I've been run over by a truck."

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It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
She'll be happy to know I got the hint.
I got her a magazine rack!

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I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places.
He told me to quit going to those places.

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MONDAY: - Everybody hates me!

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What is it called when a chameleon can't change its colors anymore?
A reptile dysfunction.

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I just saw some idiот at the gym...
He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill!

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Dear Monday:
I want to break up.
I am seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sorry.
It’s not me — it’s you

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Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.
Doctor: What does he call his other eye?

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I love you.
Is it you or the вееr talking?
It’s me. Talking to my вееr.

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My friend's dad is a dentist.
This is his pumpkin for Halloween.

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A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

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Susie: My husband is a great handyman. He can repair almost anything.
Jane: My mother always taught me to beware of the man that can fix everything. You'll never get anything new.

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