Programmer Jokes

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What do you call a веnт iPhone 6 plus?
A dead wringer.

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How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three.
One to change it, and two to complain about how bad GE's customer support is.

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What do you get if you cross a Kindle with an Apple iPhone 4S?
4Skin.

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Every mobile phone user has complained like this:
Don't text me while I'm in the middle of texting you, because now I have to change the whole text.

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Baby, if you were an iPhone 6, I would tap you all day!

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Q: My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?
A: Nope, they're the Real McCoy.
The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen".
Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.

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Home is where the wifi connects automatically.

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Why is the Apple still reporting record profits from iPhone sales?
Because iPhone users are just as oblivious to the looming recession as they are to the people around them.

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At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement:
"Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

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What do you call a computer that takes 15 minutes to start, freezes if you try to do more than one thing at a time, crashes regularly and causes you to swear under your breath throughout the day?
Cutting edge.

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Programming is like sеx.
One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

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Q: What did Data find when he went into the bathroom stall?
A: Captain's log.

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A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
'How much does it cost for engineer brain?'
'Three dollars an ounce.'
'How much does it cost for programmer brain?'
'Four dollars an ounce.'
'How much for lawyer brain?'
'$1,000 an ounce.'
'Why is lawyer brain so much more?'
'Do you know how many lawyers we had to кill to get one ounce of brain?'

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Apple, Microsoft and Sony, among others, strive to invent the most cool device to please Chuck Norris, the fail all the time.

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What did the computer do at lunchtime?
Had a byte!

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ASCII sтuрid question, get a sтuрid ANSI!

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A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed.
The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain.
They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane.
They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.
The physicist said "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed".
The engineer said "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong".
The programmer said "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"

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Q: Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
A: Because Oct 31 == Dec 25!

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