Programmers and Programming Jokes, Computer science jokes, Codding jokes

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Two bloggers chatting:
Mom: Son, it’s snowing so nice.
Son: Where, Give me the link please.

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Once a programmer drowned in the sea.
Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it.

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The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.
Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones.
This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.
Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.
Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

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Chuck Norris can make a Java Program in visual studio 2010.

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A programmer went to the doctor complaining about wrist pain. The doctor poked and prodded for a while and then issued of a prognosis:
"You have carpal tunnel syndrome, but it's in the early stages. You should be able to continue work, but you should give up half of your programming."
"Which half? Writing memos about it or attending meetings about it?"

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What did the spider do on the computer?
Made a website!

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Did you hear about the music app that is preloaded on every iPhone 6 plus?
GarageBend.

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Two programmers in a bar:
Do you see that chick there?
Look at here “properties”!
Yes, I’ve already “tested” here last night... they are read-only!

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Someday, the people who know how to use computers will rule over those who don’t.
And there will be a special name for them - secretaries.

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What do computers eat when they get hungry?
"Сhiрs."

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Which way did the programmer go?
He went data way!

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A life? Cool… Where can I download one of those?

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When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

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What’s the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?
The car salesman can probably drive!

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How many programmers does it take to sсrеw in a light bulb?
None, that's a hardware problem.

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God called a meeting of George Bush, Tony Blair and Bill Gates.
‘I’ve given you all the tools you needed to make a better world,’ says God.
‘But you’ve failed and I’m ending the world in two weeks.’
Bush goes on TV and says, ‘I have good news and bad news.
The good news is that God exists. The bad news is that the world will end in two weeks.’
Tony Blair says, ‘I have bad news and really bad news.
The bad news is that God is really annoyed.
The really bad news is he’s going to destroy us.’
Bill Gates calls his workers together and says, ‘I have good news and great news.
The good news is that God thinks I’m one of the three most powerful people in the world.
The great news is that we don’t have to fix the bugs in the new Windows package.’

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A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp.
Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish."
The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said "I'd like there to be a just and last peace among the people in the middle east."
The genie responded, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits."
The programmer then said, "Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs, and let them ask sensible changes"
Genie:
"Uh, let me see that map again."

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An engineer, a manager and a programmer are driving down a steep mountain road.
The brakes fail and the car careens down the road until it hits a tree.
They all get out and discuss how to fix the car.
The manager says, ‘To fix this problem we need to organise a committee and develop a mission statement.’
The engineer says, ‘That would take too long.
I have my penknife here.
I’ll take apart the brake system, isolate the problem, and correct it.’
The programmer says, ‘No, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again.’

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