Funny Quotes

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Ever accidentally throw something away and then later realize you actually needed it? Haha. I did this with my life.

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Customer review of his local sреrм bank:
“One Star. Worst place for frozen yogurt. 0/10, will not have my child’s birthday party here next year.”

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“Why is there an expiration date on sour cream ?” ~ George Carlin

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“I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how sтuрid they are or how superior I am to them.”
Steve Martin

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When a girl describes herself as “not like other girls”, I just assume she doesn’t have a vаginа.

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I don’t understand why people have to “get ready” for bed….I’m always ready for bed.

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“Sometimes you just need a car ride to clear your head.”
- John. F. Kennedy

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Life is like a bowl of soup. You only get blown if you’re hot.

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Originality is the art of concealing your source

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You call it lazy, I call it selective participation.

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When told the reason for daylight savings time the Old Indian said, “Only the government would believe that you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket, sew it to the bottom, and have a longer blanket.”

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I’m so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for роrn.

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“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
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Tim VineI

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I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
Cindy from Marzahn

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Short and funny quotes | Humorous comedy joke.

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“Everybody panic!”
Will Ferell

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Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end.
Woddy Allen

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I believe there is something out there watching over us – unfortunately it's the government.
Woddy Allen

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