Funny Quotes

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When someone says to me great minds think alike.
I just look at them and think, ‘you dirтy ваsтаrd’.

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I’m so tired,,,the Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.

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Ever accidentally throw something away and then later realize you actually needed it? Haha. I did this with my life.

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“Why is there an expiration date on sour cream ?” ~ George Carlin

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I’m thinking of starting a nationwide chain of sреrм banks. (You know, those banks that take deposits and the customer loses interest.) .. I have my business model ready and a snazzy name. …
…
I’ll be calling each bank …”Get a load of this guy.”

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“I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how sтuрid they are or how superior I am to them.”
Steve Martin

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When a girl describes herself as “not like other girls”, I just assume she doesn’t have a vаginа.

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I don’t understand why people have to “get ready” for bed….I’m always ready for bed.

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“Sometimes you just need a car ride to clear your head.”
- John. F. Kennedy

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Life is like a bowl of soup. You only get blown if you’re hot.

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Originality is the art of concealing your source

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You call it lazy, I call it selective participation.

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I’m so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for роrn.

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“If you think women are the weaker sеx, try pulling the blanket back to your side.”
-
Stuart Turner“

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“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
-
Tim VineI

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I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
Cindy from Marzahn

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Short and funny quotes | Humorous comedy joke.

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“Everybody panic!”
Will Ferell

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