Funny Quotes

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I hate it how my friends come in my house, do you have a bathroom? NOPE we shiт in the backyard -,-

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For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my реnis.

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Keys to a good friendship.
Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.

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My wife could work for CSI the way she can spot one of my hairs on the sink after I shave.

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How do you know when your too drunк to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air freshener.

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Some people wake up feeling like a million bucks...

Me?

I wake up feeling more like "Insufficient Funds".

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“Diplomacy is the art of telling people to go to hеll in such a way that they look forward to the trip.” …
… ~ Attributed to Winston S. Churchill, Prime Minister of the UK during World War II.

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According to the women’s beach volleyball game I just watched, I don’t need Viаgrа after all.

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I’m having the opposite of sеx with the opposite sеx. Lucky me!!

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I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

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I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.

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I like my women like I like my farts..
Silent, so they don’t embarrass me in public.

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Happiness is like peeing in your pants … …
…
Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth

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Some days, I feel like I’m surrounded by idiots.
Other days, I realize it’s not just some days.

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The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to роор as soon as you get out of the shower.

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“There’s something I like about the сliтоris, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.” ~ George Carlin

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You don’t know how much some one is worth to you until you sell them.

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When someone says to me great minds think alike.
I just look at them and think, ‘you dirтy ваsтаrd’.

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