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Grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance–waiting for the bathroom.
Bob Hope
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I hate it how my friends come in my house, do you have a bathroom? NOPE we shiт in the backyard -,-
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For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my реnis.
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I have no problem admitting when I’m wrong. Like that one time I got married…
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My wife could work for CSI the way she can spot one of my hairs on the sink after I shave.
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How do you know when your too drunк to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air freshener.
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Some people wake up feeling like a million bucks...

Me?

I wake up feeling more like "Insufficient Funds".
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“Diplomacy is the art of telling people to go to hеll in such a way that they look forward to the trip.” …
… ~ Attributed to Winston S. Churchill, Prime Minister of the UK during World War II.
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According to the women’s beach volleyball game I just watched, I don’t need Viаgrа after all.
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I’m having the opposite of sеx with the opposite sеx. Lucky me!!
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I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
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I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
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So this dude walks into an ice cream shop and he asks the clerk, ‘hello sir may I have a quart of vanilla?’ …
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The clerk politely responds, ‘I’m sorry we’re fresh out of vanilla.’ …
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The man clearly disappointed says, ‘ah shucks, alright, I guess I’ll just take a pint of vanilla.’
The clerk, slightly agitated, states, ‘Sir we are completely out of vanilla. I don’t have anymore.’
The man lets out a sigh and says, ‘OK, OK, fine. I’ll just take a cone of vanilla.’
The clerk gives him a blank stare for a moment and says ‘sir spell the straw in strawberry.’
‘S-T-R-A-W.’
‘Spell the choc in chocolate.’
‘C-H-O-C.’
‘Ok now spell the freak in vanilla.’
‘But there’s no freak in vanilla.’
‘THATS WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU! … THERE’S NO FREAKIN’ VANILLA!’
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Happiness is like peeing in your pants … …
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Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth
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Some days, I feel like I’m surrounded by idiots.
Other days, I realize it’s not just some days.
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The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to роор as soon as you get out of the shower.
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“There’s something I like about the сliтоris, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.” ~ George Carlin
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You don’t know how much some one is worth to you until you sell them.
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