Out in the middle of darkest Africa there was a White Missionary living with a tribe of black natives.
One day the big chief comes along and calls the Missionary into his hut, where he was sharpening his big axe.
He explains to the white man that his daughter has just given birth to a white baby, and that since the missionary’s the only white man for thousands of miles, the missionary will be the “main course” at dinner that night.
“Now just hang on a minute, give me a chance to explain, chief,” says the Missionary, “you’re jumping to conclusions here. Let me tell you a story. See all those white sheep out in the field and how there’s one black one amongst them.”
The Chief thinks for a moment, “OK!” says the Chief, “You say nothing, and I say nothing.”
A little boy wants a bike for Christmas really badly, but the kid is a real bad seed, and he knows it. He writes a letter to Jesus. "Dear Jesus, if I get a bike for Christmas, I'll be good for a whole week." He thinks about it, crosses out what he wrote, and says,
"I can't be good for a whole week, I'll be good for five days." He crosses that out and writes, "I'll be good for four days." Then he thinks again and says,
"Can't do that." He gets down to one day and says,
"I can't even be good for a day." Then in frustration, goes in his mother's room and get the statue of the Virgin Mary, wraps it up in a blanket, puts it in a paper bag, throws it in the closet and says,
"Dear Jesus, if I don't get a bike for Christmas, you'll never see your mother again!"
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks. God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.” With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets вrеаsт implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains. “That’s true,” says God. “So what happened?” she asks. God shrugs, “I didn’t recognize you.”
At last, the long-awaited finale of the televised poem competition had arrived.
The pope, who was a keen lyricist and writer of poems, had to everyone’s surprise entered the competition. He immediately announced that he would only be reciting poems about personal spiritual experiences. Despite this limitation, it turned out he was gifted with words and he had made it all the way to the final. His opponent was the favorite to win: a Harvard linguistics professor on the top of his career and with a mind as sharp as a knife’s edge.
The Harvard professor was up first. He was informed of the rules:
"Two minutes to come up with a poem, and it must involve Timbuktu."
The clock started, and when the time was up the Harvard professor approached the microphone:
"On my way through desert sand
Met a lonely caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination: Timbuktu."
The crowd went wild. Commentators were lyrical. This was without a doubt the best poem of the competition. The Harvard professor had done it again! But as the crowd settled down their spirits sank. As far as anyone knew, the pope had never been to Timbuktu, which was soon confirmed by the TV commentator. How could the pope have a personal spiritual experience with such a word?!
The elderly pope was walked to the stage and informed of the same rules:
"Two minutes to come up with a poem, and it must involve Timbuktu." The clock was started, but after only a short thought the pope stopped it. Everybody in the competition had used all the provided time, and as the pope approached the microphone a sigh went through the audience. Was he withdrawing from the competition? Would it all end in anti-сliмаx?
No, to everybody’s surprise the pope started to recite his poem based on personal spiritual experience:
"Me and Tim to Brisbane went
Met some ladies, cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
So I bucked one, and 'Tim-bucked-two.'"
A drunк staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He goes over to the first priest and says,
"Dude, I'm Jesus Сhrisт!" And the priest says,
"No son, you're not." So the drunк goes over to the second priest and says,
"Man, I'm Jesus Сhrisт!" Then the priest says,
"No son, you're not." Finally, the drunк had enough and said,
"Here, I'll prove it." He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunк and says,
"Jesus Сhrisт, you're back AGAIN?"
Bishop TD Jakes is returning to Texas after a speaking engagement. When his plane arrives, there is a limousine there to transport him to his home in Dallas. As he prepares to get into the limo, he stops and speaks to the driver. "You know," he says,
"I am almost 50 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?" The driver says,
"No problem." Bishop TD Jakes gets into the driver's seat, and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sits a rookie state trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo goes by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulls out, easily catches the limo, and gets out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walks up to the driver's door, and when the glass is rolled down, he is surprised to see who is driving. He immediately excuses himself, goes back to his car, and calls his supervisor. He tells the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law, but I also know that important people are sometimes given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person." The supervisor asks, "Is it the Governor?" The young trooper says,
"No, he's more important than that." The supervisor says,
"Oh, so it's the President." The young trooper says,
"No, he's even more important than that." The supervisor finally asks, "Well then, who is it?" The young trooper says,
"I think it's Jesus, because he's got TD Jakes for a chauffeur!!!"
A professor has just died and is standing in line waiting to be judged and admitted to Heaven. While waiting, he asks the man in front of him about himself. The man says,
"I am a taxi driver from New York City."
The angel standing at the gate calls out next, and the taxi driver steps up. The angel hands him a golden staff and a cornucopia of fruits, cheeses, and wine and lets him pass. The taxi driver is quite pleased and proceeds through the gates.
Next, the professor steps up to the angel who hands him a wooden staff and some bread and water. The professor is very concerned and asks the angel, "That guy is a taxi driver and gets a golden staff and a cornucopia! I spend my entire life teaching and get nothing! How can that be?"
The angel replies,
"Up here we judge on results. All of your people sleep through your lectures, in his taxi, they pray!"