School jokes, Teacher Jokes

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It was the final exam for an English course at a university. Like most
Freshman courses, it was designed to wееd out new students, having over 700 students in the class.
The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.
Thirty minutes into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked for an exam booklet. “You’re not going to have time to finish this,” the professor stated as he handed the student a booklet.
“Yes, I will,” replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.
After two hours, the students filed up and handed their exams in.
All except the late student, who continued writing. Half an hour later, he finally came up to the professor’s desk and attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets.
“No you don’t, I am not going to accept that, It’s late!” The student looked incredulous and angry. “Do you know who I am?”
“No, as a matter of fact, I don’t,” replied the professor sarcastically.
“DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?” the student asked again. “No, and I don’t care,” replied the professor with an air of superiority.
“Good!” replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
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Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said,
"Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class, my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now ...
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Why did Clemson choose orange as a school color?…
So that the football team could wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up garbage for the rest of the week. …
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Why did O. J. Simpson go to Raleigh, NC in the Ford Bronco? …
He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisman Trophy winner. …
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What are the longest three years of a Duke player’s life?
His freshman year.
Why did Georgia Tech replace the grass in its football stadium with astroturf?
They didn’t want the cheerleaders to graze at halftime.
Why do Wake Forest cheerleaders wear bibs?
To keep the tobacco juice off the uniforms.
How do you get a Maryland graduate off your porch?
Pay for the pizza.
How many Florida State freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because that’s a sophomore course at Florida State.
What’s the difference between the Florida Gators and a dollar bill?
You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
How do you castrate a Tennessee Volunteers fаn? A: Kick his sister in the mouth.
What does a Syracuse fаn do when his team has won the National Championship?
He turns off his PlayStation 3.
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A 4-year-old kid was at school and his teacher told him that his homework was to learn the first four letters of the alphabet. At home his mum was on the phone when he asked her what’s the first letter of the alphabet so she said “Shut up.” His dad was watching a football match when the kid asked him about the second letter of the alphabet so he said “YES YES YES!!!” because his favorite team had just scored. His brother was playing Bat-Man when the kid asked him what’s the third letter of the alphabet so he said “Na na na na na na na na BATMAN!!!!” and the kid went away, happy. His 2 and 3/4 year old sisters playing with her dolls when he asked her about the fourth letter of the alphabet so she said “On my voom voom car.” The next day at school when his teacher asked him for the first letter of the alphabet he said Shut Up, so the teacher asked him if he wanted to go to the principal’s office, and he said YES YES YES!!! At the principal’s office the principle asked him “Who do you think you are?” the kid replied “Na na na na na na na na BATMAN!!!!” so the principle said “How are you going to get out of this mess?” And the kid replied “On my voom voom car”
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I t’s career day at school and the teacher instructs his students each to stand up, state their parents occupation, spell it and then tell what their parent would do if they were here today.
Little Rodney stands up and says, ” my father is an accountant, A-C-C-O-U-N-T- A-N-T, and if he were here today, he would help you balance your checkbook”.
“Good Rodney” says the teacher, “how about you, Johnny?'”
Johnny stands up and stammers, “my father is an electrician, E-L-E-K-T, no, no,E-L-E-C-K-T no …. L-E-C-K- no….
The teacher interrupts, “never mind Johnny, sit down, how about you Vinnie?”
Vinnie stands up and says, “My dad’s a воокiе, that’s B-O-O-K-I-E, and if he were here today he’d give you ten to one odds that there’s no way Johnny’s ever gonna spell electrician!”
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In prison they spend the majority of their time in a 8′ x 10′ cell.
At work, I spend most of my time in a 6′ x 8′ cubicle.
In prison they get three meals a day.
At work I only get a break for one meal and I have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work I get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
At work I must wear an ID badge at all times.
In prison they provide you with clothing with the ID conveniently sewn on to the clothes.
At work there is a dress standard, but I must buy my own clothes.
In prison there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes.
At work I must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors myself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for me.
In prison they can watch TV and play games.
At work I can get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they will pay my way through school to learn a new career and give me time to do it.
At work they will pay for my education, but I must do it on my own time.
In prison they have exercise rooms that they allow you to use almost whenever you want.
At work we have an exercise room that you can use but it must be on your time.
In prison I can fall asleep on the job and no serious consequences comes from my action.
At work if I fall asleep on the job I get put on the next bullet list.
In prison they ball and chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball and chained.
In prison you have full free medical coverage .
At work you get partial coverage and your BUPA payments are deducted
In prison all expenses are paid by the tax payer,
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then deduct the taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
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