School jokes, Teacher Jokes

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With high-definition TV everything looks вiggеr and wider. Kind of like going to your 25th high school reunion

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My wife and I take turns walking our five-year-old daughter to the bus stop for school every morning. Today was my turn, and as me and all the other moms in the neighborhood waited, one of them asked me to say hello to my wife.
"I will," I said. "It'll make her feel better. She has pneumonia."
"Oh, poor girl," they all said in unison. One of them crooked her eyebrow at me and said,
"I hope you're helping her with the kids, the cooking and cleaning."
"I can't," I said pointing to the band aid on my index finger. "I have a hangnail."

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Sеx education may be a good idea in the schools but, I don' think they should be given homework.

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Isn't that -- at my age -- isn't that illegal? I mean, isn't that like me hanging around in front of a grammar school with a van and a kitten? Dirтy.

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When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad.
He said,
"I want my daughter back by 8:15."
I said,
"The middle of August? Cool!"

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There is this African-American kid that goes to school and notices that the teachers treat the white kids better than the kids of color.
So he goes home and paints himself white and shows his dad.
Hey dad look im white! His dad kicks his аss, and says alright go show your mother.
Hey mom look im white! His mom beats the sh1t out of him then tells him to go show his grandma.
Hey grandma look im white, she beats his аss (Big Momma style) and sends him to his room.
About an hour later all the family comes to his room and says have you learned anything from this?
The kid says yeah ive learned I have only been white for an hour and I already hate 3 black people.

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*everyone in class talking at once*
Teacher: *yell's* WHY DO I HEAR TALKING
James: *yell's* CAUSE YOU HAVE EAR'S YOU DUMB АSS ВIТСН!
Teacher: James's can you please step outside of the class for a minute
*kid's in the back with air horn's make MLG horn sound's*
I legit no joke did this at school

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An ironworker nonchalantly walked the narrow beam fifteen floors above the city sidewalk. Though strong winds were blowing a heavy rain, the worker showed no fear whatever. When he came down to the sidewalk, a man who had been watching him from ground level went over to him and said, “I was really impressed watching you up there. You were so calm. How did you get a job like this?” “Well, as a matter of fact,” replied the ironworker, “I used to drive a school bus, until my nerves gave out.”

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A little boy came home eating a big candy bar. Seeing the candy bar, his mother remembered he had already spent all his allowance money. Surprised, she asked him where he got it.
"I bought it at the store with the dollar you gave me," he said.
"But that dollar was for Sunday School," his mother replied.
Smiling, the boy said,
"I know, Mom, but the Pastor met me at the door and got me in for free!"

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Little Kelvin's darkest day was when he was asked by his mathematics teacher to solve a problem on the board. The question was asking for the answer to 2+3.
He knew he couldn't solve that so he glanced towards his bright friend for help. His friend willing to help but fearing to speak out loud, showed him his palm as a silent indication to the answer.
So little Kelvin drew the palm.

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A student in chemistry class was instructed to create a new substance by mixing some special ingredient with water. But the student chose the wrong ingredient and the teacher realized mixing it with water would create an explosion.
He stopped the student and asked him to first stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the ingredient. The student wanted to know what that would accomplish.
The teacher answered, "It will give me time to get away."

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How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?
A nurse says:
"This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says,
"We're going to have to do this over and over
Again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says,
"Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath
Normally."

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One man asked a schoolboy, "How old is your father?"
The boy replied, "He is 8 years old."
Man:
"What?"
Boy:
"Because he became a father when I was born 8 years ago."

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In school, a teacher goes up to student named Johnny who is chewing gum. The teacher asks him, "Are you chewing gum?"
The student replies,
"No, I'm Johnny."

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Sсrеwing someone from work is great unless you work in a primary school.

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Teacher: At the end of this ruler is a sтuрid student (pointing at student).
Narrator: The student got detention for say "Which end?"

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Two dogs talking...
Fido: I can't go to dog obedience school tonight.
Spot: Why not?
Fido: My master ate my homework.

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A neighbor asked Ollie why the Norwegian government doesn’t draft men until age 45. …
…
Ollie Explained, “Dey vant to get dem right otta of high school.”

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