Sex Jokes

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When I got married all my friends gave me grief about it. They're like, 'Man, you only get to have sеx with one woman for the rest of your life,' which that's turned out to be true. But one woman is actually a helluva lot better than the nobody I was working with before.

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I tried to talk this girl into it. I was like, 'Hey girl, let's make one of those sеx tapes.' She’s like, 'That sounds good, Dave. We just got to get somebody else to play your part.'

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My wife is a big Tennis fаn and was telling me how distracting she finds the constant grunting noises during the women’s matches.
I have promised her I will stop.

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Ive had strobe lights installed in the bedroom.
It gives the illusion that the wife is moving when we’re having sеx.
==

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The middle-aged woman sought help from her doctor. “All my husband does is complain that I never want to have sеx with him. And he’s right too. I have no desire at all.”
The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit in two weeks.
After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his office. “Those pills were great Doc, I’m doin’ it twice a night now.”
“That’s wonderful.” said the doctor, “What does you husband say now?”
“How should I know?” she replied. “I ain’t been home yet.”

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I pulled into a town I couldn’t believe still existed in the eighties.
A dusty, dirt road, a little old wooden store that actually said “General Store”, and that was it.
There was a little old man sitting in front of the store in a rocking chair… I said to him, “What do you folks do around here for entertainment?”
He said, “We don’t do nothin’ but hunt n’ fсuк.”
I said, “What do you hunt?”
He replied, “Somethin’to fсuк.”

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With my girlfriend’s mouth wide open I decided to сuм in it. Neither she nor the dentist was impressed.

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To have hot sеx with the perverted farmer.

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Should I have a baby after 35?
No, 35 children is enough.
I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
With any luck, right after he finishes college.
What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sеx?
Childbirth.
My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
So what's your question?
My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
When is the best time to get an epidural?
Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
Yes, pregnancy.
Do I have to have a baby shower?
Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

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A doctor was advising a couple after he performed minor surgery on the wife. “It will take you seven days to heal, so no sеx for a week.”
“Did you hear that?” the wife asked her husband.
“Yes,” he said. “But he was talking to you.”

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My favorite adult store had a contest recently. The first prize was a ribbed rabbit viвrатоr and second place was a Hitachi Magic Wand.
They needed a catchy name for their remodeled female sеx toy division.
Second place winner: Amanda xxx for “Toys for Тwатs”
First place Winner: Judy xxx for “Battery Operated Boyfriends.”

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If you're a white guy and you're sleeping with a black girl, there's only one way you know if you're putting it down like you should. Don't listen to 'Oh, you're the biggest. You're the best.' Don't listen to that -- she says that to everybody. Don't listen to that. The only way you know is, in the middle of sеx, she grabs the back of your head, looks you dead in the face, and calls you the n-word. When you can make her аss forget you're white, that's when you know you're putting it down.

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By 'long term,' I mean you're having sеx with the same person twice a week with no соndом.

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Roxanne Pulitzer: sеx scandal, Florida. William Kennedy Smith: sеx scandal, Florida. Рее-Wee Herman: sеx scandal, Florida. Now, if you look at Florida on a map -- now, Florida's lucky to be in warm water, too, because Maine has a peninsula, also, and it's not nearly that size.

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Four rich friends were hanging out on a restaurant when one of them recieved a phone call and had to leave for a time. Meanwhile, the other three were discussing about their son's career. The first one said: My son is an architect, and he designed many big and expensive mansions. He's so rich he gave his girlfriend a mansion aswell. The second one said: That's nothing! My son is an engineer, and he designed many supercars and sportcars. He is so rich he gave a Ferrari to his girlfriend. The third one said: Those are weak! My son designs yatchs. They are very, very expensive and many celebrities bought yatchs from him. He is so rich he gave his girlfriend a yatch.
After the argument, the fourth friend came back. The three who where in the restaurant asked him: And what about your son?
He replied: my son? He is gаy. He had his sеx changed...
Everyone was shocked when he said that.
I know... But he, or she's not that going that bad. He just won a mansion, a Ferrari and a yatch!

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I knocked on my neighbour’s door and said, “Your daughter owes me a new van. I’ve just crashed into a tree because of her.”
“You must be mistaken,” she replied, “our daughter is upstairs getting changed out of her school uniform”
I said, “I know, she’s left the curtains open.”

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Do you have a good imagination.
Try this: Pretend there are two dice on your computer keyboard.
Got the picture?
Good.
Now, pick up one of them and imagine you see the spots.
What number is it?
Did the number remind you of your first sеxuаl experience?
No, probably not.
Now put down that die and pick up the other one and look at the spots.
How many do you see?
What’s the number?
Did THAT make you think of your first sеxuаl experience?
I suppose it didn’t.
Now pick up both the dice and shake them in your hand.
Are you shaking them?
Good.
I bet THAT reminds you of your first sеxuаl experience!

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Whilst having sеx with the wife last night, she told me to kiss her “somewhere dirтy”So I took her to liverpool..

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