Sex Jokes

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A wise man once said nothing. He let her vent, and then they had sеx.

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It was like a scene out of Crocodile Dundee on my wedding night.
“Call that a реnis?” said my Thai bride.

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The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled “You Can Be the Man of Your House.” He stormed to his wife in the kitchen.
“From now on you need to know that I’m the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sеx that I want.
After that, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
The wife replied, “Er… The funeral director would be my guess!!!”

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I was shаgging my blonde girlfriend when she said, “Сuм all over me and I will not leave your bedroom until I’ve licked it all up.”
3 years on she’s still in my bedroom. Fuск knows how my jizz got onto her elbow.

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Sеx on tv can't hurt unless you fall off.

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I had this girlfriend in high school, and we had sеx, and at first I thought that was kind of hot... but I knew there was something wrong. I was kind of confused, so I went to see my guidance counselor, and the sеx with him was so much better.

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Dear Diary - Day 1
All packed for the cruise ship - all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter decided on this “all-girls” trip.
Dear Diary - Day 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today - seems like a very nice man.
Dear Diary - Day 3
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf ваlls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
Dear Diary - Day 4
Won $800.00 in the ship’s casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
Dear Diary - Day 5
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. He again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship.. I was shocked.
Dear Diary - Day 6
Today I saved 1600 lives. Twice

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I always bring a соndом with me on a night out.
Unfortunately it’s always the same one.

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“Strap On” backwards is “No Parts”

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My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant.

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My wife has just said to me, “Isn’t it odd how on our keyboard the letters ORPN have been worn out?..

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I like my women like I like my mobile phones.
Good-looking, many functions, easy to turn on and play around with, and with a silent option.

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I asked my Welch mate “how many sеxuаl partners have you had?”
He started counting then fell asleep.

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A security camera caught a couple having sеx in an elevator. …. They got off on the eighth floor…. then they straightened their clothing and exited the elevator on the 14th floor.

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You can tell I've been married for a while. Went to the doctor's last week, he said, 'Have you had sеx in the last seven days?' And I said, 'No, my birthday's in April.'

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Honeymoon Prank …..
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Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was coming. ….
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Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up during the pause to offer a reason ‘why this couple should not be married’. His reception wasn’t disrupted by streakers or strippers, and the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order. …
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When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room, Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed and put their attention to consummating the union.

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The following conversation took place between a husband and wife while in bed.
Husband:
“Honey I think your mum tried to have sеx with me last night! ”
Wife:
“That’s impossible, she’s on holiday!”
Husband:
“Oh ok, well maybe you should wear more makeup then!”

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My wife calls my соск ‘The Firework’. Not because it lights up her evening, but because she likes to keep it arms length since it went off in her face.

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