Sports Jokes

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I may be dumb, but I'm not sтuрid.

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An announcement at the local ice skating rink:
"Will the lady that left 6 kids on the ice rink, please pick them up. THEY ARE MAKING OUR PROFESSIONAL HOCKEY TEAM LOOK BAD!"

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A man takes his son tiger hunting. They’re creeping through the weeds and the man says, “Son, this hunt marks your passage into manhood. Do you have any questions? And the boy says, “Yes, if the tiger kills you, how do I get home?”

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A man takes a beautiful blonde to his apartment. They're kissing in the elevator when she feels something in his pocket."What is that?" she asks.
He replies, "Those are my golf ваlls."
She says, "Is that like tennis elbow?"

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A guy finally got tickets to the Super Bowl, but his seats were in the nosebleed section - but he didn't care, he had always dreamed of going to the Super Bowl.
So he wants to find a seat closer to where he can see better. He finds this seat toward the front and he asks the guy next to it whether anyone is sitting there.
The guy replies, "No, because my wife just died."
"Well," says the first man, "why didn't you just bring a friend or relative?"
The guy replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."

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Why did the captain lose the yacht race?
He found himself in a no-wind situation.

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Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
Squash

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A man had an idea that could make him rich. After it was perfected he brought it to an inventors' help group.
When asked what his great invention was, he pulled out an apple.
The group looked at it and started laughing.
The inventor said,
"You don't understand! Taste it."
A volunteer tried it and said,
"Mmmmmmm, tastes like peaches."
The inventor said,
"Flip it over."
He flipped it over and took another chunk of the apple. "Mmmmmmmm, tastes like grapes."
The inventor offered a new apple and the volunteer said,
"What does it taste like?"
"Рussy," said the inventor.
The guy bit into it, and spit it out with an awful look on his face and shouted, "That tasted like аss!"
The inventor winked and said,
"Flip it over."

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Mama Bear and Papa Bear are accused of child abuse. Baby Bear is put on the stand.
The judge says,
"Do you want to live with Papa Bear?"
"No," Baby Bear replies.
"He beats me."
The judge then asks, "Do you want to live with Mama Bear?"
"No," Baby Bear replies.
"She beats me too."
So the judge says,
"So who do you want to live with?"
Baby Bear replies,
"I want to live with the Chicago Bears, they never beat anybody."

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Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

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There’s no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

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I thought I told you to lose weight.
Says the coach.
What happened to your three week diet that I told you to keep?
Well, I finished it in three days!

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Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. – I gave him a glass of water.

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Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball.
"I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends.
"I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition."
"Batted .007," his wife added.

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A true story, according to the LA Times.....
Coach Frank Layden of the Utah Jazz asked forward Jeff Wilkins, "Is your bad play due to ignorance or apathy?"
Wilkins replied, "I don't know and I don't care!"

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A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:
"I am placed in the door and told when to jump.
My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.
But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

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The man says,
"Will you buy вооzе?"
The вuм says,
"No."
The man says,
"Will you gamble it away?"
The вuм says,
"No."
So the man says,
"Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

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