Sports Jokes

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"I like to watch the World Series. Here's what I do.
I sit down and drink a few beers in my underwear and scream at the TV.
That's until they throw me out of Applebees."
Dave Letterman

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On the seventh day, God said, "Let there be football." And it was good. Later that day, God said, "Let there be one team to rule the others and set the standard for excellence."
With that, he plucked a star from the heavens and placed it on the helmet of silver and blue. God said, "Let it be called, ''The Dallas Cowboys'' - America''s team." Later that day, God said, "Even Cowboys need a**holes."So he made their fans.

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What did the trampolinist say?
‘Life has its ups and downs, but I always bounce back.’
Tennis

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The other day was Take Your Daughter To Work day.
The Cubs had a fun time, played a little scrimmage against their daughters.
Unfortunately they lost, 15-3.

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While giving a physical, a doctor notices that his patient’s shins are covered in dark, savage bruises.
‘Tell me,’ says the doctor.
‘Do you play hockey or soccer?’
‘No,’ said the man. ‘But my wife and I play bridge.’

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An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.

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The wife of a boxer wakes up because of the sounds that come from the dining room.
She wakes her husband up:
Rocky, I think someone wants a particular boxing lesson...

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I’ve got nothing against watching a darts match.
I just wish my IQ were low enough to enjoy it.

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Ricky Ponting's wife calls her husband but Australian Cricket Team Manager attends the call.
Ricky's Wife:
"Hello Can I talk to Ricky, this is his wife."
Australian team Manager:
"Sorry, he is just going to bat, I am the team manager, any message for him."
Ricky's Wife:
"No Problem Manager, I will hold on!"

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A Yankee walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan. The bartender looks at the man and says, "You're not from 'round here are ya?"
"No" replies the man, "I'm from New Hampshire." The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in New Hampshire?"
"I'm a taxidermist," says the man. The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, "I mount dead animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, "It's OK, boys! He's one of us!"

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A couple of Yogi Berra's team mates on the Yankees ball club swear that one night the stocky catcher was horrified to see a baby toppling off the roof of a cottage across the way from him.
Yogi dashed over and made a miraculous catch - but then force of habit proved too much for him.
He straightened up and threw the baby to second base.

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A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.
"Whoa, Sam!" said the bartender.
"Who gave those beauties to you?"
"Nobody gave them to me," said Sam.
"I had to fight like crazy for both of them."

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Golf: A five-mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

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The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

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How can you tell when a cabbage is boiled?
The wheelchair floats to the top

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W.I.F.E.
Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their jobs. One guy says, ''I'm a YUPPIE...ya know...Young, Urban, Professional. The second guy says, ''I'm a DINК ...ya know...Double Income No Kids.'' They asked the woman, ''What are you?''
She replied... ''I'm a WIFE...ya know... WASH, IRON, F**K, ETC.''

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Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
A: Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!

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What do golfers use in China?
China tees!

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