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Stupid / Dumb Jokes

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(Ollie and Sven are two doofuses; Minnesota’s counterpart to Раddy and Mike from Ireland… ) …. ….
Ollie walks by Sven’s house and sees a sign that says “Boat for sale”. He walks up the driveway and only sees a tractor and a lawn mower. He goes up to the door and says, “Ollie, I see dat sign dat says ‘boat for sale,’ but alls I see is a tractor and a lawn mower.” …
…
Sven says, “Yup, and dey’re boat for sale.”
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We have enough gun control. What we need is idiот control.
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I want to get a DVD from eBay.
I’m confused. Do I click ‘Buy’ or ‘Watch this item’?
Surely I want to do both.
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Farmer Brown is ploughing his field when his plough breaks, so he thinks for a bit and decides to ask his neighbour, Farmer Jones, if he could lend him his plough so that he could get the job finished.
As he’s walking over the field towards Farmer Jones’s, Farmer Brown is thinking about how he’ll ask to borrow Farmer Jones’s plough and how the conversation will go….
So I’ll say, “Hello Farmer Jones, could I borrow your plough please?”
And he’ll ask, “Why do you want to borrow my plough?”
I’ll answer, “Because mine’s broken.”
And he’ll ask, “What if you break mine?”
I’ll say, “Well I’d buy you a new one.”
He’ll say, “If you could afford to buy me a new one, why don’t you just buy yourself a new one in the first place?”
By this time, Brown was at Farmer Jones’s farmhouse so he knocked on the front door and waited for Farmer Jones to answer. After a few moments Farmer Jones opens the door and says, “Good morning Farmer Brown, what can I do for you today?”
Farmer Brown snaps “Stick your plough up your аrsе!”
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Humans pretend to be smart…. But we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we are suddenly gonna develop X-Ray vision.
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We've heard that ignorance of maths is growing geometrically, whatever that means.
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I killed a mime the other day.
I shot him using blanks.
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I just managed to walk over hot coal without burning my feet.
Fucked my shoes up though.
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You're never too old to learn something sтuрid.
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My wife says I’m too impulsive.
What the fuск does she know? She only met me yesterday.
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The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
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Tried robbing a bank earlier.
I didn’t get very far, the pen was ripped out of my hand by the chain it was attached to.
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Sven::
“Ollie, stand in fronna my car and tell me if da turn signals are vorking.” …..
….
Ollie:
“Ya, No, Ya, No, Ya, No, Ya, No….”
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Just found a hat with a hundred bucks in it!!!
The guy playing the guitar was well jealous that he never noticed it first!
Chased me all the way down the street.
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I walked into the pet shop this morning and said to the cashier, “I bought two hamsters from you yesterday, I woke up this morning and they were both dead.”
“I did warn you about the hot weather,” she replied, “Did you give them plenty of water like I suggested?”
“Yes, I filled their tank right to the top.”
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My mate said, “I hope I win the lottery tonight. I’ve got 6, 3, 20, 38, 15, 42 as my numbers, what are the odds?”
I said, “3 and 15.”
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Some really confident people say, ‘Nothing is impossible’
The clearly have not tried to staple water to a tree!
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A bloke just knocked on my door and said, “Hi, I thought I’d let you know that you’ve left your lights on”.
I said, “Yeah I know mate, I can’t see my way around the house otherwise”.
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