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Jokes about Women

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Confucius say:
"Man cannot exchange woman of forty for two twenties…"
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Did you know that when we’re first conceived we’re all genetically female?
And then, only half of us receive the necessary nutrients to develop into a fully functional human being
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I saw a woman in the supermarket, struggling to control her kids. She looked really stressed. Then she accidentally knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk.
She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by spilled milk. It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I walked over to her and said;
“Get a fuскing grip, you sтuрid вiтсh.”
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The elderly nurse approached her co-workers in the break room:
“I am mortified, disgusted and insulted. Someone else is going to have to give the patient in bed 429 his bath.”
“What is the problem, Nurse Jackson?” asked another nurse.
“Well, if you must know, he has a…a tattoo on his … his реnis!”
(Gasps are heard throughout the nurse’s break room.)
“Yes, the tattoo ‘JSWAN’ is plainly visible … it is disgusting!”
“I will bathe him, Nurse Jackson,” said the youngest nurse, a 24-year-old blonde. “You can give a bath to my female patient in room 422.”
Hours later, the nurses are having their lunch in the break room, and Sheryl, the young nurse, smiles and says, “Nurse Jackson was wrong about the tattoo. It doesn’t say ‘JSWAN’, it says ‘JOE’S BAR AND GRILLE SASKATCHEWAN!’ “
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Ninety year old aboriginal elder sat in his humpy eyeing two government ‘Welfare’ officials sent to interview him .
One official said to him:
“You have observed the white man for 90 years. You have seen his wars and his technological advances.
You have seen his progress and the damage he has done.”The elder nodded in agreement. The official continued:
“Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the whitefella go wrong?”
The elder stared at the two government officials for over a minute and then he calmly replied:
“When whitefella found the land, blackfellas were running it.
No taxes, No debt, Plenty kangaroo, Plenty fish, Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Aboriginal man spent all day hunting and fishing, All night having sеx.” Then the elder leaned back and smiled:
“Only whitefella вlооdy sтuрid enough to think he could improve a system like that.”
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I needed some advice on what type of fish to buy for my new tank, so I bought two books that listed information on many different species. I looked up one particular species in both books and found that one book says this species grows to a length of up to 5 inches and the other book says it grows to a length of up to 14 inches. I thought there must have been a mistake here…
Then I realised, one book was written by a woman and the other was written by a bloke.
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A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea:
“Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?”
He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.
“The evening was a disaster,” he moaned.
“Why, didn’t she come over?” asked his mother.
“Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook….”
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The wife wants to see that new film about women’s rights.
I’ve said she can’t.
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I was walking down the road when I saw a woman holding a placard that read;
“Women are not just sеxuаl objects - Honk if you agree!”
So I squeezed one of her тiтs and said, “Honk.”
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I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way.
Through the driver’s door.
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We had a woman pilot one year when we went to Majorca.
We were delayed for 8 hours.
Turns out the previous pilot had left the hand brake on too tight.
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We over heard our neighbors arguing last night…
“A real man respects a woman” she cried.
“Oh yeah” he shouted, “Well a real woman makes a respectable sandwich.”
I just looked at my wife and nodded… that’s when we started arguing.
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There were three women walking on a beach and they find a bottle laying in the sand they rub it and a genie pops out. The genie says ill give you all 1 wish. The first women thinks and says I wish I was the smartest women in the world. The genie say рооf ok wish granted your the smartest women in the world. The next women says I want to be ten times smarter than the smartest women in the world. The genie says рооf wish granted. The next women thinks then says I wish I was one-hundred times smarter than the women ten times smarter than the smartest women in the world. The genis says рооf and makes her a man.
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It’s amazing how the muscle strength of a woman changes during the day…
In the morning she’s can’t even open a jar of marmalade, while at night it’s impossible to get a piece of the blanket…
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It’s hard to be a woman - they have to think like a man, act like a lady, look like a young girl and work like a horse.
It’s easy to be a feminist - they don’t think like a man, don’t act like a lady, don’t look like a young girl and smell like a horse.
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Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women? Women working at 900 numbers.
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1. Cats do what they want, when they want. 2. They rarely listen to you. 3. They're totally unpredictable. 4. They whine when they are not happy. 5. When you want to play they want to be left alone. 6. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7. They expect you to cater to their every whim. 8. They're moody. 9. They leave their hair everywhere. 10. They drive you nuts.
1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave their hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.
Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats.
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World'd shortest joke: There was two women sitting quietly.
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