My old Granddad was mugged in the park last week, punched in the face and his wallet stolen. The police arrived and took a description of the attacker alongside other details.
“How much cash was in your wallet, sir?” asked the police officer.
“£800,” said Granddad.
“OK, sir,” said the police officer as he was leaving, “we’ll let you know if we find out anything.”
Granddad, I said, where did you get 800 pounds ? You don’t have that kind of money.
I know, said Granddad, but if they catch the сunт it’s my word against his.
A woman has a close male friend.
This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend.
This always starts out with, “you’re a great guy, but I don’t like you in that way”.
This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, “You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we’re not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we’re going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn’t work out, we’ll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.”
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was re booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.”
The agent replied, “I am sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.”
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?”
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, “May I have your attention please, ” she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.”
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore “F*** You!” Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry sir, but you’ll have to get in line for that too.”
A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.
“Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”
I can’t jump out the window!” came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. “It’s raining out there!”
“If my husband catches us in here, he’ll кill us both!” she replied.
“He’s got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!”
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon.
He started running along beside the others about 300 of them.
Being nакеd, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to “blend in” as best he could.
It wasn’t that effective!
After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
“Do you always run in the nudе?” one asked.
“Oh yes” he replied, gasping in air. “It feels so wonderfully free having the air вlоw over all your skin while you’re running.”
Another runner moved alongside. “Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?”
“Oh, yes” our friend answered breathlessly. “That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. “Do you always wear a соndом when you run?”
“Only if it’s raining.”
DIRECTIONS for MICROSOFT TV DINNER
1. You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners.
2. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
3. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: mstv. Dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// Then enter:
4. If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted.
5. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.
6. Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. 7. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.
7. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.
8. Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size.
9. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.
10. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
A mother in China gave birth to a 15-pound baby. Chinese officials say it’s so big, it can do the work of two babies.” -Conan O’Brien
Donald Trump announced he is building a new hotel four blocks from the White House. And with any luck, that will be about as close to the White House as Donald Trump will ever get.” -Jay Leno
“President Obama has ordered new sanctions against Iran’s central bank for engaging in deceptive practices. I’ve got a better idea, how about sanctions against OUR banks for deceptive practices?” -Jay Leno
A new report found that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs. Unfortunately, photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs.” -Jimmy Fallon
According to USA Today, more Chinese tourists are coming to America. They get to see things they’ve never seen before: the Grand Canyon, the Statue of Liberty, adults working in factories.” -Jay Leno
Today, the United Nations approved a resolution to lift the sanctions against Iraq. … Yeah, the move will allow Iraqis to buy things they don’t have, such as medicine and weapons of mass destruction.