American Presidents

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Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly?
Because Janet Reno is her Dad.

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What's the similarity between Bill Clinton and a carpenter? One sсrеw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart.

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Clinton finds a bottle, opens it and a genie pops out and grants him one wish. Clinton wishes for peace in the Middle East. The genie says there are some things even a genie can't do and tells Clinton to make another wish. Clinton says he wishes that the whole Monica thing would go away. The genie says he'll take a second look at the map of the Middle East.

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Letter to John Hinckley

Mr. John Hinkley
St. Elizabeth Hospital
Washington, D.C.

Dear John,

Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout the land. Hillary and I want you to know that no grudge is held against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. Hillary and I are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best wishes,

Bill Clinton

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Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible disagreement.
"I am the most beautiful person in the world." proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.
"No, you're not." answered Don Juan and TomThumb.
"I am the smallest person in the world." shouted Tom Thumb.
"No, you're not." said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan.
"I've had more lovers than any one in the world." announced Don Juan.
"No, you haven't." replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.
Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed to mediate, and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming. "I AM the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so."
In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty. "Merlin agreed that I AM the smallest person in the world."
In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, scratching his head and muttering "Who the hеll is Bill Clinton?

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Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House.
Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. "Bill, Bill wake up."
Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up."
Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?" Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom."
To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom."
Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."

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President Clinton and Hillary are at a baseball game.
They are sitting up in the V.I.P section. Before the game begins,
The umpire yells something up to Mr. Clinton. Clinton then proceeds
to lift Hillary out of her seat, and throw her over the railing and onto
the field.

The umpire shouts,
"No Mr. President I said 'Throw out the FIRST PITCH.

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Clinton thinks that, "THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH, AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH", requires three different answers.

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Did you hear Bill Clinton just bought a new computer: 6-inch hard drive and no memory

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Arkansas is very proud of Mr. Clinton. All these women confessing to having sеx with Bill Clinton and none of them are his sister.

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President Clinton has voiced support for school uniforms to cut down on violence. Yeah, it sure has done wonders for the Postal Service.

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Mr. Reagan, Mr. Bush and Mr. Clinton are on the Titanic. Mr. Reagan says, "Save the Women!" Mr. Bush says, "Sсrеw the women!" Mr. Clinton says, "Do we have Time?!"

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The former Surgeon General was discussing who is the easiest to operate on with some friends. One surgeon said engineers were the easiest to operate on because their insides were color coded. One surgeon said librarians were the easiest because their insides were arranged in alphabetical order. Elders said that Clinton was the easiest person to operate on by far. He has no guts, no spine, no heart and his diск and his brain are interchangeable!

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One day while Bill Clinton was doing his morning jogging he noticed a little boy standing outside the white house gates. As curiosity got him, Bill jogged over to the gates to see what the little boy was doing.

As he approached the gates Bill was taken by suprise when he noticed a sign that said, "Democratic Puppies for Sale". Bill approached the boy and says, "What's up son?". To which the little boy replied, " I am selling Democratic Puppies, Would you like to buy one Mr. President?".

"No Thanks", Said the President, "but good luck". He then continued on his morning jog.

Thinking about how cute the puppies had been, Bill went to Hillary and told her about the Demoratic Puppies. THey both laughed about how cute, "Democratic Puppies". So they decided the next morning to go down to the gate to see about purchasing one of the Puppies. Bill and Hillary were glad to see that the little boy with the puppies was still there.

But to their suprise, when they appoached the boy, they saw the sign but this time it stated "Republican Puppies for sale" Bill inquired about the sign stating, "Young man, yesterday when I was here you had a sign up stating that there were Democtratic Puppies for sale. Now today it says Republican Puppies for sale. What's the deal?"

To which the little boy replied, "Yes sir Mr. President, But today they all have their eyes open."

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Similarities between Nixon and Clinton

Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed

Nixon: His biggest fear - the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear - a Cold Sore

Nixon: Worried about carpet bombs
Clinton: Worried about carpet burns

Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek

Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her

Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD вrа in his brief case

Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: (No difference)

Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sеx-President

Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Known for women pointing at him saying "He's the one!"

Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak

Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with the G Spot & titty

Nixon: Took on Но Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on Ho

Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked about getting a piece while on her

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Clinton and St. Peter

President Clinton and his wife died on the same day. They've been sent to St. Peter for judgement. St. Peter asked them a few questions. He asked Hillary first. One of the question was: Have you ever breaked the marriage-vows ?
- Yes, she said.
St. Peter asked her how many times ?
- Three times, she said.
Then St. Peter said; you have to be punished for that and he took a needle and punctured her three times. One time for each breaking of the marriage-vows. Now you can go to heaven.
After that St. Peter started asking President Clinton the same questions.
After two hours waiting for her husband, Hillary came back to St. Peter asking. Where is my husband ?
He is still under sewing machine, said St. Peter.

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A presidential staff advisor walks into the daily meeting a little late and notices that everyone has a glum look on their face -- some even look a little frightened -- and Clinton isn't in the room.
"What's the matter" he asked.
"Well, we had some bad news, and just got some even worse news"
"What's the bad news?"
"India has detonated some atomic weapons at their underground test site;
Pakistan has done the same at their proving area; and China is warning them
both that this could lead to regional war -- that may go nuclear."
"Oh my God, what could be worse than that?"
"Well, Bill just got hold of some Viаgrа"

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Did you hear that Clinton said no matter what he'll refuse to quit.
He rather continue to stick it out in the White house.
Do you know why walking a tightrope and having Janet Reno go down on you are alike?
Because in both cases you really don't want to look down.
What is the difference in the "Titanic" and Bill Clinton?
We know how many women went down on the Titanic, but not on Clinton.
Bill never told Monica to lie. He told her to lie in this position, not to lie on deposition.
The reason Ken Starr is won't give Monica full amunity is he's afraid she then leak her story to the press, but Ginburg told Starr, "If there is one thing I'm sure my client can handle it's a "GAG" order.

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