Two women were waiting to get into the Pearly Gates of Heaven when they struck up a conversation.
“How did you die?”, the first woman asked the second.
“I froze to death,” said the second.
“That’s awful,” said the first woman. “How does it feel to freeze to death?”
“It`s very uncomfortable at first,” says the second woman. “You get the shivers and shakes and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But, eventually, it`s a very calm way to go. You get very numb and just sort of go to sleep. How did you die?”
“I had a heart attack,” says the first woman. “You see, I knew my lousy husband was cheating on me, so one day, I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, but I found him alone, watching TV. I ran down to the basement but no one was hiding there either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there, so I ran as fast as I could up to the attic. Just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.”
The second woman shakes her head. “That`s so ironic,” she says.
“What do you mean?” asks the first woman.
The second woman tells her, “If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we would both still be alive.”
A boy called up his mom from hospital, “Mom, I took tests and they declared that I have AIDS.”
Mom, “What? Don’t come back home son, go away.”
Boy “Why mom, I’m your son.”
Mom, “You foolish boy! If you come back home, then your wife will be infected, from your wife to your brother, from your brother to our maid, from our maid to your dad, from your dad to my sister, from my sister to her husband, from her husband to me, from me to our gardener, from our gardener to your sister…
And if your sister got it, then the whole town is in trouble.
A man was having problems with premature еjасulатiоn. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.
In response the doctor said, “When you feel the urge to еjасulате, try startling yourself”.
On the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already nакеd. He’s so hоrny and keen to try out his new ‘system’ that he doesn’t think twice and leaps on board.
After a few minutes ‘slap and tickle’, they find themselves in the ’69’ position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctor’s orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, “How did it go?”
The man answered, “Just fсuкing great, аsshоlе…when I fired the pistol my wife sh1t on my face, bit three inches off my соск and my neighbour came out of the closet nакеd with his hands in the air!”
A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.
“Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”
I can’t jump out the window!” came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. “It’s raining out there!”
“If my husband catches us in here, he’ll кill us both!” she replied.
“He’s got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!”
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon.
He started running along beside the others about 300 of them.
Being nакеd, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to “blend in” as best he could.
It wasn’t that effective!
After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
“Do you always run in the nudе?” one asked.
“Oh yes” he replied, gasping in air. “It feels so wonderfully free having the air вlоw over all your skin while you’re running.”
Another runner moved alongside. “Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?”
“Oh, yes” our friend answered breathlessly. “That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. “Do you always wear a соndом when you run?”
“Only if it’s raining.”