Jokes about Cheating

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I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, “What’s going on?”
“You tell me?” replied my wife.
I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.”
“A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sеx for six months!”
I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”

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A guy with a gun enters in a bar.
- Who had sеx with my wife?
A voice was heard in the background:
- You don`t have enough bullets mate!

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Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, “I’m sleeping with the priest’s wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?”
The friend doesn’t like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After mass, he starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of sтuрid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks Mike what he’s really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest, “My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied.”
The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike’s shoulder and says, “You’d better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago.”

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This guy from across the road was talking to me earlier.
“My wife’s just told me she’s been having an affair with Dave the milkman,” he confided.
“What? That fат ugly fсuкеr I see every morning outside your house?”
“Yes,” he laughed, cheering up.
“Why would Dave the milkman want to fсuк that?”

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I said, “I’m working late tonight so I won’t be home until about midnight”
My wife said, “That’s the fifth time this week. Are you cheating on me?”
I said, “Er .. no .. why would you think that?”
She said, “Because you’re a fuскing milkman”

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I got caught cheating on my physics exam. Furious, my professor said to me "I hope you understand the gravity of the situation".
But if I had known that, I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

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A man 80 years of age married a young lady. A year later he carried her to the hospital, and she had a baby. The nurse said to the man:
- ”At your age, how do you do that?”
The man answered, “You just have to keep the motor running.”
Another year passes, and the man carries her back to the hospital, another baby. The same nurses said to the man and asked: ‘You are something else, how do you do that?”
He said,”I told you that you just have to keep the motor running”. Another year and back tot he hospital for another baby. The same nurse said:
- ”You are unbelievable, how do you do that?!”
He said:
- ”You go to keep that motor running.”
She answered:
- ”Well, you better change oil, because this one came out black.”

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Why don’t most women ever tell their husbands when they’re really enjoying sеx?
Because their husbands are never there when it happens!

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I took a woman back home last night.
We got kissing on the sofa and, before long, I slipped my hand into her knickers. She asked, “Shall we take this upstairs?”
I said, “No, I’d rather we did it here.”
“Oh I see.” She winked, “Something in your bedroom you don’t want me to see, eh?”
I said, “Yeah, my wife.”

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I divorced my wife because she likes to have sеx in the morning.
After I go to work.

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A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he grabs the guy and drags him nакеd down the stairs to the garage. He grabs the guy’s соск, puts it in a vise, screws it down real tight and removes the handle of the vise. Then he rummages around in a drawer until he finds a hacksaw, which he picks up and displays to the terrified man.
The man, wide-eyed, screams, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to cut off my diск, are you?”
The husband hands him the hacksaw and says:
“Nope. You are. I’m setting the garage on fire.”

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Whats the 3 worst words you can hear whilst having sеx?
Honey, I’m home!

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A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, Well now, you didn’t tell me you had a prescription.

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WOMEN: Prevent your husband from cheating on you by shаgging him every now and again

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When I was fuскing this girl last night, she called out my brothers name instead of mine, what did I expect though, they’d been married 20 years.

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A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whоrеhоusе.
The guy says to the cabbie, “Wanna make a $100?” The cabbie says, “Sure, what do I have to do?”.
The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whоrеhоusе and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in.
A couple of minutes later the whоrе house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this women out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, “Here hold her!!”
The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, “THIS AIN’T MY WIFE”.
The cabbie replied, “I KNOW, IT’S FСUКING MINE; I’M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!”.

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Looking back, I can pinpoint the precise moment that my marriage turned sour.
We were in bed, kissing and caressing each other, running our hands up and down each others bodies, experiencing wave after wave of pleasure.
After what seemed like hours, we brought each other to a shuddering сliмаx and I held her in my arms.
She brought her lips close to my ear, to whisper words of love…
And that’s when my wife walked in.

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Wanting to find out if both his wife and his mistress were being faithful to him, Gary decided to send them on the same cruise and question each one later about the other’s behavior.
When his wife returned, he asked her about people on the trip, casually inquiring about the passenger who was his mistress when she mentioned the woman.
“Oh, that woman slept with nearly every man on the ship!” his wife reported.
Unhappy with this information, Gary planned a rendezvous with his cheating mistress and decided to question her about the trip before confronting her with what he knew.
Once again, he carefully inquired about the woman who was his wife after ascertaining that they had met.
“She was a real lady,” his mistress said.
Gary’s spirits picked up. “Why do you say that?” he asked.
“She came on board with her husband and never left his side.”

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