Jokes about Cheating

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I divorced my wife because she likes to have sеx in the morning.
After I go to work.

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A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he grabs the guy and drags him nакеd down the stairs to the garage. He grabs the guy’s соск, puts it in a vise, screws it down real tight and removes the handle of the vise. Then he rummages around in a drawer until he finds a hacksaw, which he picks up and displays to the terrified man.
The man, wide-eyed, screams, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to cut off my diск, are you?”
The husband hands him the hacksaw and says:
“Nope. You are. I’m setting the garage on fire.”

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Whats the 3 worst words you can hear whilst having sеx?
Honey, I’m home!

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A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, Well now, you didn’t tell me you had a prescription.

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WOMEN: Prevent your husband from cheating on you by shаgging him every now and again

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When I was fuскing this girl last night, she called out my brothers name instead of mine, what did I expect though, they’d been married 20 years.

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A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whоrеhоusе.
The guy says to the cabbie, “Wanna make a $100?” The cabbie says, “Sure, what do I have to do?”.
The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whоrеhоusе and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in.
A couple of minutes later the whоrе house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this women out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, “Here hold her!!”
The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, “THIS AIN’T MY WIFE”.
The cabbie replied, “I KNOW, IT’S FСUКING MINE; I’M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!”.

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Looking back, I can pinpoint the precise moment that my marriage turned sour.
We were in bed, kissing and caressing each other, running our hands up and down each others bodies, experiencing wave after wave of pleasure.
After what seemed like hours, we brought each other to a shuddering сliмаx and I held her in my arms.
She brought her lips close to my ear, to whisper words of love…
And that’s when my wife walked in.

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Wanting to find out if both his wife and his mistress were being faithful to him, Gary decided to send them on the same cruise and question each one later about the other’s behavior.
When his wife returned, he asked her about people on the trip, casually inquiring about the passenger who was his mistress when she mentioned the woman.
“Oh, that woman slept with nearly every man on the ship!” his wife reported.
Unhappy with this information, Gary planned a rendezvous with his cheating mistress and decided to question her about the trip before confronting her with what he knew.
Once again, he carefully inquired about the woman who was his wife after ascertaining that they had met.
“She was a real lady,” his mistress said.
Gary’s spirits picked up. “Why do you say that?” he asked.
“She came on board with her husband and never left his side.”

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Three Ladies are playing the fourth hole at a well-known golf course on the edge of Greenwood, when a nакеd man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.
The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood.
The first lady says, ‘He is definitely not my husband.’
The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, ‘He is not mine either.’
After a very considered inspection, the third lady finally says, ‘He’s 1not even a member of this golf club’

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It’s coming to that day again when I make a resolution not to cheat on my wife for the rest of the year.
December 30th.

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If I had a pound for every time my wife accused me of being unfaithful,
I could’ve bought my girlfriend that necklace she’s always wanted.

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I’ve been having an affair with a film director’s wife.
Yesterday he caught us in bed together. He was furious.
I said to him, “Look, mate, don’t make a scene.”

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My wife hit me in the face with a frying pan and yelled, “That’s for all the cheating!”
She has a weird way of apologising.

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I finally found my wife’s G-spot!
Who would have thought her sister had it the whole time?

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As my sister-in-law roared off in her new car my wife commented “I think I made a mistake marrying you, Look how happy my sister is in her new car”
I said “Yes, maybe if you suскеd a lot of соск your boyfriend would buy you a Porsche too”
“I may well just do that” she sneered.
“It’s a bit late now” I replied “I can’t afford two”.

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My wife stormed into the living room with my phone bill in her hand.
“You’ve spent £500 on texts to a “Slutty МILF”? “You’ve got a lot of explaining to do!”
“Not as much as O2,” I said. “They told me that I had unlimited texts.”

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Last night my wife found me in the pub, threw a pint over my head, and called me an аsshоlе.
Every year she has to go and ruin our wedding anniversary.

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