Jokes about Cheating

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Three Ladies are playing the fourth hole at a well-known golf course on the edge of Greenwood, when a nакеd man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.
The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood.
The first lady says, ‘He is definitely not my husband.’
The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, ‘He is not mine either.’
After a very considered inspection, the third lady finally says, ‘He’s 1not even a member of this golf club’

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It’s coming to that day again when I make a resolution not to cheat on my wife for the rest of the year.
December 30th.

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If I had a pound for every time my wife accused me of being unfaithful,
I could’ve bought my girlfriend that necklace she’s always wanted.

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I’ve been having an affair with a film director’s wife.
Yesterday he caught us in bed together. He was furious.
I said to him, “Look, mate, don’t make a scene.”

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My wife hit me in the face with a frying pan and yelled, “That’s for all the cheating!”
She has a weird way of apologising.

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I finally found my wife’s G-spot!
Who would have thought her sister had it the whole time?

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As my sister-in-law roared off in her new car my wife commented “I think I made a mistake marrying you, Look how happy my sister is in her new car”
I said “Yes, maybe if you suскеd a lot of соск your boyfriend would buy you a Porsche too”
“I may well just do that” she sneered.
“It’s a bit late now” I replied “I can’t afford two”.

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My wife stormed into the living room with my phone bill in her hand.
“You’ve spent £500 on texts to a “Slutty МILF”? “You’ve got a lot of explaining to do!”
“Not as much as O2,” I said. “They told me that I had unlimited texts.”

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Last night my wife found me in the pub, threw a pint over my head, and called me an аsshоlе.
Every year she has to go and ruin our wedding anniversary.

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“How old is your girlfriend?”…
“She’s52” …
“Haha, dude, she could be your mom!” …
“Yeah, actually it’s yours.”

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It’s Bill and Hillary Clinton’s fiftieth anniversary…
As they sat over a candle lit dinner, Hillary made a confession. “Bill,” she says. “You know that rather large box in the basement you told me never to open?”
“Yes” says Bill.
“It had been bothering me for years and finally curiosity won over. I opened it.”
Bill sighed in disappointment. Hillary asked, “I found twenty-three empty вееr bottles and three hundred seventy seven dollars. Can I ask why you were keeping twenty-three empty вееr bottles?”
“Well, Hillary. I’m going to be honest. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I would come home and open a вееr. I would drink it thinking about how I really love you and how sorry I was. The вееr bottles are reminders of the mistakes I made cheating on you.”
Hillary was surprised but she knew his past and accepted it. “Bill, I’m disappointed, but we have been through worse. I love you and I forgive you. Can I ask why there was three hundred seventy seven dollars in the box?”
Bill shrugged. “Every time the box filled up with вееr bottles, I took them back for the deposit.”

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My wife has just left me for Arnold Schwarzenegger.
She’ll be back.

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The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t inform the husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story,”Excuse me my dear…….. My stomach,” and disappeared towards the bathroom.
The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back stairs and into the maid’s bed.
She just had time to switch the lights off when in he came in silently……….
He wasted no time or words but quickly took out his diск, got on top of her and fcuked her like there was no tomorrow. When he finished and while he was still panting, the wife said You didn’t fсuкing expect to find me in this bed did you!!” and switched on the light.
“No madam”, said the gardener.

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In a class room exam, John was peeping into the answer sheet of his neighbor.
The teacher shouted, “No cheating John!”
John replied, “I am not cheating. I am copying. There is a difference!”

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I said to my mate who is always cheating on his wife,
“The grass isn’t always greener on the other side of the fence you know. ”
“Maybe not, ” he replied, “but the cows are a lot nicer. “

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I was entering a singles bar last night when a bouncer started patting me down.
He said, “Have you got anything on you that you shouldn’t have?”
“Yes,” I replied, “My wedding ring .”

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My girlfriend is always getting quite suspicious about my behaviour. She’ll often ring me four or five times a day asking where I am or what I’m doing.
It really is very irritating. Even more so when my wife does it too.

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My Jewish mate got caught cheating by his wife.
He’s growing her some flowers.

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