Jokes about Cheating

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I’m 27, my BF is 37.
Is 10 years too much of an age gap? ’cause his son is 17 and really hot.

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“For Pete’s sake, I’m getting sick and tired of you accusing me of cheating on you,” said my wife.
“Who’s Pete?” I replied.

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I got chatting with a girl in a bar, “Can I buy you a drink?” I asked.
“Have you not got a girlfriend?” she replied, “Guys like you always have girlfriends.
“”No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago,” I assured her.
“Oh I’m sorry to hear that,” she said, “Go on then, I’ll have a white wine please.
A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.
While I was putting my clothes back on she said, “So, you’re good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?”
I said, “My wife found out.”

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I saved my mistress’ phone number as ‘LOW BATTERY’.
Whenever she calls and I’m not around, the missus takes the phone and plugs it to the charger unknowingly.

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I freaked out my mailman today when I came to the door completely nакеd. I’m not sure what shocked her more, my nакеd body, or the fact that I knew where she lived.

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I’ve been shаgging a set of twins for a couple months. People have asked me how hard it is to tell them apart, but it is actually quite easy. … You see, Caroline is a redhead with an amazing pair of тiтs, and Frank has a соск.

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A vаginа is like a tin roof …
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If you don’t nail it enough, it will end up at the neighbors.

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After having a little nap, my wife told me of a dream she had where she walked into the bedroom to find me in bed on all fours, wearing a gimp mask with her sister fuскing me up the аrsе with a strap on but before she could open her mouth a shark came out from under the bed and ate me and her sister.
She said, “It’s funny how things can happen in dreams that wouldn’t happen in real life.”
I said, “Yeah, ridiculous… a shark under the bed.”

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It’s Saturday night and Ollie is taking his wife Lena out on a date. He gets home, goes upstairs where Lena is standing in the middle of the bedroom nакеd. …
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“Lena, vy are you standing in da middle of da room nekked?” asks Ollie.
“Ohh Ollie, I have absolutely nuttin’ ta vear!” ….
…
Ollie walks over to Lena’s closet and opens it.
“Lena! Vut do ya mean you have nuttin’ ta wear? Here’s your white dress, here’s your black dress, Hello Sven, here’s your orange dress..”

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Me and my girlfriend just split up
Well, I still got the wife…

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I can’t get my head round the idea of my girlfriend using a viвrатоr when I’m not there. It feels like she’s cheating on me. Betraying me.
Why can’t she get all her sеxuаl satisfaction from me, like my wife does?

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My wife says she would кill herself if she ever caught me cheating on her.
But then again, she promises a lot of things.

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After giving birth to my daughter, my wife said, “I hope you’ll always love me, and only me.”
I said, “It’s too late, I already do love someone and she looks just like you.”
“Aww, our daughter?”
“No, your sister.”

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Sven came home to his apartment one night, all upset. “Dat yanitor, vot a bragger. He says he’s (Vell ya know) been with every voman in dis building except one.”
“Hmmph,” said his wife Lena. “Must be dat snooty Mrs. Yohnson on da tird floor.”

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My wife’s always walking into things and getting hurt.
Today it was our bedroom while I was fuскing her best mate.

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After a few pints down at the local, talk got round to who had the most expensive watch. I showed mine first.
“That’s a Rolex Oyster, worth two and a half grand,” I grinned.
My mate John smiled and proudly pointed to his wrist.
“This is a white gold Patek Phillipe. I paid the best part of twenty grand for it.”
Dave rolled up his sleeve to show his watch.
“What do you think of that then? It cost 200,000 pounds.
Me and John stared a while then I said, Dave, Thats a Casio.
I know, he sighed. My ex-wife bought it for me then found it in her sister’s bed.

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Since splitting up with my girlfriend, I’ve been feeling pretty lonely at times.
Last night it came to a head, lying nакеd and hоrny in bed I did something I haven’t needed to do for quite a long time.
I rolled over and cuddled the wife.

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My ex came into church last week, it was the first time I had seen her since she cheated on me.
I shouted, “You dirтy whоrе! You are no better than Judаs, you fuскing slаg!” - She looked at me in utter shock.
Then I continued with the service.

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