Dad Jokes

Add a joke Newest jokes Most popular
0
0
0

0
0
0
0
0
0
0
0
The REAL Night Before Christmas
(By Parents)
'Twas the night before Christmas
When all through the house
I searched for the tools
To hand to my spouse
Instructions were studied
And we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage
"Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's townhouse to boot!
And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes,
My heart skipped a beat -
Let no parts be missing
Or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes straight to the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept веnт at our work,
Till our eyes, they went blurry; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not run to the store for one single thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most magical, Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose
I gratefully went, though I suppose
There's something to say for those self-deluded-
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!
0

0
0
0
Two camels, a father and son are grazing. The younger camel looks up to his father and says “Dad! Why do we have these giant humps on our backs?” The father camel looks down on the son and says. “Why, so we can travel for miles in the desert without stopping for water.” The young camel looks astonished and says “Wow, I didn’t know that!”
A few minutes later, the younger camel pips up again “Dad! Why do we have really thick eyelids?” The older father, rather agitated by his son’s curiosity, answers quickly. “So that our eyes are not scratched by sand storms. “Wow!” The young camel says…
Another minute later and the father camel hears his son again. “Dad!”.
“What now!” The father camel asks. The son then asks. “Why do we have huge feet?”
“Well son.” The father camel starts. “We need to tread through the sand and out feet are big so we can travel much easier…”
A few minutes pass before the father hears his son again. The father camel, clearly agitated turns round. “What!?”
“Dad…. What the fuск are we doing in a zoo then?”
0
0
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said,
"Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class, my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now ...
0