Dad Jokes

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“Did I come out of mum’s tummy?” asked my son.
“Yes son.” I said. “I know it’s hard to believe but five years ago you were in there.”
He looked at my missus slouched on the settee. “Dad? Are there still some people in there?”

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So this kids dad walks into his sons room and says,
"Did you know if you маsтеrвате too much you will go blind?" His son says,
"Hey dad, I'm over here."

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My daughter said, “Dad, can my new boyfriend come for tea?”
I said, “That depends sweetheart, what’s his name?”
“Соrеy” She replied.
“Соrеy what?” I asked.
She said, “Соrеy Ossity.”
I said, “I suppose so, but don’t let him near the cat.”

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A young boy runs into the police station in Liverpool.
“Please come quick! My dad’s getting beaten up down the pub!”
The duty sergeant grabs his cap and runs over to the pub with the boy, where they see two hefty Scousers beating the sh1t out of each other.
“Which one’s your dad?” says the sergeant.
“I dunno. That’s what they’re fсuкing fighting about.”

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I once went 12 years without any sеx, drugs or alcohol…
…my GOD, my dad knows how to throw a good 13th birthday party!

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Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, a father asked the boy how much his last date had cost.
The son thought for a minute and then replied, "Oh, about $15 I think."
"Well," said the father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening."
"To be honest Dad," the son went on, "we'd have spent more, but that was all the money she had."

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Three things blacks never say that white people say all the time.
1. I’ve paid all the bills for this month.
2. Hi Dad!
3. Thanks for the warning officer.

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This was one of my dad's favorite jokes:
Emmitt Smith died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gates, St. Peter was waiting for him and issued Emmitt an invitation to play for the HFL- the heaven football league. Emmitt thought about it for a minute and said,
"Sure!"
As they walked out to the field, there was a game in progress. Emmitt was stunned. There were a lot of ex-NFL players out on that field. But what he found to be strange was that the jerseys didn't have any numbers. Instead they had letters on them. So he turned around and questioned St. Peter about the numbers. St. Peter chuckled and told him, "Up here we don't need numbers. The letters stand for the position they are playing, QB is for quarterback, WR is for wide receiver and so on." Emmitt smile and nodded his head. But as he gazed around the sidelines, he got a perplexed look on his face. On the other side of the field, there was a man wearing a jersey that had the letters TL. "St. Peter, as you know, I played football many years with the Dallas Cowboys and I am familiar with all the positions. But in all my years I have never seen the position of TL." St. Peter laughed and said,
"Oh yeah, I forgot. That's just God, he likes to pretend that he is Tom Landry."

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Son:
“Dad! My LSD is missing!” ….
….
….
Dad:
“We have вiggеr problems right now, son. There’s a dragon in the kitchen.”

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Three kids in a playground talking about their dads and how great they are.
The first one says, “My dad is the fastest man in the world, he can outrun a tiger.”
The second says, “Mine can outrun a cheetah, he’s so quick.”
The third is unimpressed and laughs, “Mine works for the council, so he’s the fastest.”
“How?” the others ask.
“He finishes work at 5.30 but he’s home by 2.

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My son came up to me today and asked “Dad, why do Jews have big noses?”
“I don’t know, son,” I replied.
“You’ve got quite a big nose,” he said.
“That doesn’t mean I’m a Jew though.”
“Oh good,” he said, “Can you lend me a tenner then?”

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Teacher:why did you bring your cat to school
Jimmy:I overheard my dad talking to my mum and he said when jimmy goes to school I'm gonna eat that pussy

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A young couple having a son at 5 years of age went for a summer vacation to the same place where they had their Honey moon on reaching the place they smiled at each other.
The son seeing them smile asked the DAD, “why you two are smiling and laughing?”
Dad Said, “No son, we already came to this place years back that’s what we remembered.”
The son persistently asked “DAD if you came here already, where was I?”
Dad little embarrassed said, “Son you were with me when we came here and with your MOM when we returned!!”

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I never had a father when I was young so I used to pretend the rubber from my pencil case was my dad.
Erased me well.

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Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.
"Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?"
Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had dialed my number by mistake. "I'm sorry dear," I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan."
"Wow, Mom," the young woman's voice replied. "I didn't think you'd be this mad."

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A kid goes up to his dad after school and says,
"Dad, I just had sеx with my teacher." The dad is proud and offers to buy the kid a bicycle. So, he takes his son to the store and lets him pick out a bike. Afterwards, the dad asks "Do you wanna ride your new bike home?" and the son says,
"No, my аss still hurts." DmR

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The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said,
"You've been with the company for a year. You started off as an office clerk, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"
"Thanks," said the employee.
"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"
"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."

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My dad was showing me pictures of why to wear condoms during sеx. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.

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