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Dad Jokes

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Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.
"Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?"
Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had dialed my number by mistake. "I'm sorry dear," I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan."
"Wow, Mom," the young woman's voice replied. "I didn't think you'd be this mad."
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A kid goes up to his dad after school and says,
"Dad, I just had sеx with my teacher." The dad is proud and offers to buy the kid a bicycle. So, he takes his son to the store and lets him pick out a bike. Afterwards, the dad asks "Do you wanna ride your new bike home?" and the son says,
"No, my аss still hurts." DmR
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The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said,
"You've been with the company for a year. You started off as an office clerk, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"
"Thanks," said the employee.
"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"
"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."
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Took a girl home last night and I accidentally said ‘how’s your daddy’ instead of ‘who’s your daddy’. We spent 2 hours talking about her dad’s cholesterol.
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My son came into the living room really sad and said, “dad, school is so difficult, I fell like I’m not getting anywhere.”
“Son” I said, “you have to work hard for everything in this life. Nothing is just handed to you and unfortunately thats the way it is. Now if you don’t mind, there about to call out the lotto numbers.”
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“You will always remember this day as the happiest day of your life”
“But the Wedding is not until tomorrow dad”
“I know, son”
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Jamito el padre y las matemáticas El examen de Jaimito y la perdida de memoria - Сине Un díaantes Tatal ii Zice fiului: - Mai bine ai trece examenul azi Father: You better pass that exam or else forget that I'm your father. Son: Ok Dad: you better pass your exam or else forget me as your father! Son: ..... Son: sure Little Kenny is about to have a big test and his father says: “You better study real good boy Λέει η μάνα του Τοτού στον Τοτό: - Τοτέ εάν κοπείς στα μαθήματα της εξεταστικής ξέχνα ότι είσαι παιδί μου. Μετά από μερικές ώρες τον ξαναρωτάει : - Πώς τα πήγες; Τοτός : – Γνωριζόμαστε κυρία μου;
Dad- Son, u better pass this exam or rather forget that im ur father!
Son- Sure dad! Whatever!
~5 hours later~
Dad- Howz ur exam?
Son- Who the hеll r u???
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The following conversation took place on an airplane.
Son: Daddy im scared what if the plane goes down.
Dad: Don’t worry son your mum is on board and she never goes down.
Son: What?
Dad: I mean just play with your iPad.
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" Dad who built the Suez Canal"
" I don't know son"
" Dad who discovered penicillin "
" I've no idea son"
" Dad what's the capital of Italy "
" I ain't got a clue son"
"Dad you don't mind me asking all these questions do you"
"No son, if you don't ask you won't learn anything "
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My dad sent me to a psychiatrist for wearing his вrа again.
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A man and his son walk into a shoe store when the sales man asks, "How can I help you?" The man says he has a dinner to go to and is looking for the right type of shoes. The salesman asks if he is looking for dress shoes, the little boy pipes up and says," but my dad doesn’t wear dresses."
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Son: Dad how is it like to have the best son in the world
Dad: I don't know ask your grandfather
Son: ._.
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"Why is Dad never home?" the 16 year old girl asked her mother.
"Well, dear, he has taken a second job so that you can have iPads, mobile phone, a TV in your room, club memberships, cosmetics, trendy clothes . . . he does it all for you, so his beautiful girl doesn't miss out on a thing."
"Wow," the teenager replied thoughtfully. "That's really very selfish of him, isn't it?"
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Son: Dad I failed my safety quiz
Dad: What? How?
Son: I missed the only question
Dad: What was the question?!?!
Son: What steps do we take in case of fire?
Dad: And what did you say?!
Son: Well I said f*cking large ones but apparently that's not rich
Dad: You are such a dumbass
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"Dad what do you call a lady president?"
"Well son, you call a lady president 'Madam President'."
"If that's what I call a lady president, what would I call a queen?"
"You already know that one son, you call her mom."
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You: Dad I just had sеx!
Dad: Really? Come sit down
You: I cant, my but hurts!
Dad:...
Im not a hомо, just a funny joke
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Three young boys stand around talking about how fast their dads are.
First boy said my dad is so fast he can turn the light off and still get in bed before the light goes out.
Second boy goes my dad is so fast he can turn the hose off run to the end still get a full glass of water.
Third boy says my dad is so fast, he has a government job he gets off of work at 5 and he's home by 3.
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Два домата Gehen 2 Tomaten über die Straße. Plötzlich kommt ein Auto. Da sagt die eine Tomate zur anderen: "Komm Ketchup A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato Deux tomates traversent la rue Era una vez un tomatito y una tomatita y iban caminando por la calle. Venía pasando un carro y atropelló al tomatito. La tomatita le preguntó al tomatito: ¿Qué te hicieron? Y dice el tomatito: Ketchup Kaksi tomaattia kävelee tiellä. Toinen jää auton alle ja ehjänä säilynyt ilkkuu: “Mitä ketsuppi?” Jdou tři rajčata Iban pasando por la calle dos tomatitos y atropellan a uno y el otro le dice que te hicieron catsup Idą dwa pomidory przez jezdnię. Jednego przejechało Det var en gång två tomater som var ute och gick. Dem skulle gå över en väg då det kom en bil körande. Den ena tomaten blev överkörd. Då så sa den andra tomaten: - Kom nu ketchup så går vi. En gång när 2 st tomater skulle gå över vägen så blev ena överkörd av en bil. Då sa den andre. - Kom nu ketchup! Två tomater gick över gatan ¿ Sabes como estornudan los tomates? Ketchup Bija divi lielie tomāti un viens tomātiņš Viņi gāja pāri ielai un Mazo tomātiņu nobrauca un Tonātiņa mamma teica pasteidzies kečupiņ! Kaksi tomaattia käveli suojatien yli Idu dvije rajcice ulicom jednu zgazi auto 2 Rajčice Hodaju Po Cesti Jednu Zgazi Auto. Druga Kaže Ketchup! C'est deux tomates qui veulent traverser une route. La première passe mais la deuxième se fait écraser. La tomate qui est passée dit a l'autre :  « Tu viens Ketchup? »
There were three tomatoes: a mum, a dad and a son. The son lagged behind and fell splat on the floor. His dad yelled to him, "Ketchup, son."
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