Dad Jokes

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Took a girl home last night and I accidentally said ‘how’s your daddy’ instead of ‘who’s your daddy’. We spent 2 hours talking about her dad’s cholesterol.

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My son came into the living room really sad and said, “dad, school is so difficult, I fell like I’m not getting anywhere.”
“Son” I said, “you have to work hard for everything in this life. Nothing is just handed to you and unfortunately thats the way it is. Now if you don’t mind, there about to call out the lotto numbers.”

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“You will always remember this day as the happiest day of your life”
“But the Wedding is not until tomorrow dad”
“I know, son”

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The following conversation took place on an airplane.
Son: Daddy im scared what if the plane goes down.
Dad: Don’t worry son your mum is on board and she never goes down.
Son: What?
Dad: I mean just play with your iPad.

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" Dad who built the Suez Canal"
" I don't know son"
" Dad who discovered penicillin "
" I've no idea son"
" Dad what's the capital of Italy "
" I ain't got a clue son"
"Dad you don't mind me asking all these questions do you"
"No son, if you don't ask you won't learn anything "

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My dad sent me to a psychiatrist for wearing his вrа again.

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A man and his son walk into a shoe store when the sales man asks, "How can I help you?" The man says he has a dinner to go to and is looking for the right type of shoes. The salesman asks if he is looking for dress shoes, the little boy pipes up and says," but my dad doesn’t wear dresses."

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Son: Dad how is it like to have the best son in the world
Dad: I don't know ask your grandfather
Son: ._.

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A young girl’s father had been in the hospital for a serious operation, and for several days he could not receive visitors. Still in pretty bad shape, he was finally allowed a visit from his family. His young daughter was baffled by her father’s condition. “But Dad, you look awful! Didn’t you get my get-well-card?”

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"Why is Dad never home?" the 16 year old girl asked her mother.
"Well, dear, he has taken a second job so that you can have iPads, mobile phone, a TV in your room, club memberships, cosmetics, trendy clothes . . . he does it all for you, so his beautiful girl doesn't miss out on a thing."
"Wow," the teenager replied thoughtfully. "That's really very selfish of him, isn't it?"

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Son: Dad I failed my safety quiz
Dad: What? How?
Son: I missed the only question
Dad: What was the question?!?!
Son: What steps do we take in case of fire?
Dad: And what did you say?!
Son: Well I said f*cking large ones but apparently that's not rich
Dad: You are such a dumbass

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"Dad what do you call a lady president?"
"Well son, you call a lady president 'Madam President'."
"If that's what I call a lady president, what would I call a queen?"
"You already know that one son, you call her mom."

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Three young boys stand around talking about how fast their dads are.
First boy said my dad is so fast he can turn the light off and still get in bed before the light goes out.
Second boy goes my dad is so fast he can turn the hose off run to the end still get a full glass of water.
Third boy says my dad is so fast, he has a government job he gets off of work at 5 and he's home by 3.

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There were three tomatoes: a mum, a dad and a son. The son lagged behind and fell splat on the floor. His dad yelled to him, "Ketchup, son."

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When I was a kid, my dad use to say:
“Discoveries are often made by not following instructions, by going off the main road, by trying the untried.”
Probably why I fail my driving tests.

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I’ve just put some holes in my dad’s condoms. I really need some help doing the dishes.

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When a squirrel slipped into my house, I did the logical thing: I panicked and called my father.
"How do you get a squirrel out of a basement?" I shrieked.
Dad advised me to leave a trail of peanut butter and crackers from the basement to the outside. It worked-the squirrel ate his way out of the house. Unfortunately, he passed another squirrel eating his way in.

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I remember my first sеxuаl experience: back seat of my dad's car. I was young; I was in love; I was alone. No, not quite -- Dad was driving. He was рissеd. It's a small car, and the top was down.

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