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Dad Jokes

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Два домата Gehen 2 Tomaten über die Straße. Plötzlich kommt ein Auto. Da sagt die eine Tomate zur anderen: "Komm Ketchup A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato Deux tomates traversent la rue Era una vez un tomatito y una tomatita y iban caminando por la calle. Venía pasando un carro y atropelló al tomatito. La tomatita le preguntó al tomatito: ¿Qué te hicieron? Y dice el tomatito: Ketchup Kaksi tomaattia kävelee tiellä. Toinen jää auton alle ja ehjänä säilynyt ilkkuu: “Mitä ketsuppi?” Jdou tři rajčata Iban pasando por la calle dos tomatitos y atropellan a uno y el otro le dice que te hicieron catsup Idą dwa pomidory przez jezdnię. Jednego przejechało Det var en gång två tomater som var ute och gick. Dem skulle gå över en väg då det kom en bil körande. Den ena tomaten blev överkörd. Då så sa den andra tomaten: - Kom nu ketchup så går vi. En gång när 2 st tomater skulle gå över vägen så blev ena överkörd av en bil. Då sa den andre. - Kom nu ketchup! Två tomater gick över gatan ¿ Sabes como estornudan los tomates? Ketchup Bija divi lielie tomāti un viens tomātiņš Viņi gāja pāri ielai un Mazo tomātiņu nobrauca un Tonātiņa mamma teica pasteidzies kečupiņ! Kaksi tomaattia käveli suojatien yli Idu dvije rajcice ulicom jednu zgazi auto 2 Rajčice Hodaju Po Cesti Jednu Zgazi Auto. Druga Kaže Ketchup! C'est deux tomates qui veulent traverser une route. La première passe mais la deuxième se fait écraser. La tomate qui est passée dit a l'autre :  « Tu viens Ketchup? »
There were three tomatoes: a mum, a dad and a son. The son lagged behind and fell splat on the floor. His dad yelled to him, "Ketchup, son."
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When I was a kid, my dad use to say:
“Discoveries are often made by not following instructions, by going off the main road, by trying the untried.”
Probably why I fail my driving tests.
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I’ve just put some holes in my dad’s condoms. I really need some help doing the dishes.
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I remember my first sеxuаl experience: back seat of my dad's car. I was young; I was in love; I was alone. No, not quite -- Dad was driving. He was рissеd. It's a small car, and the top was down.
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A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said,
"Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?
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A three year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. When they returned home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
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When I was a kid, my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should always wear a соndом. Funny thing is, they were all just pictures of me.
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A little boy was doing his geography homework one evening and turned to his father and said, “Dad, where would I find the Andes?
“Don’t ask me,” said the father. “Ask your mother. She puts everything away in this house.”
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Little Pete came home from the playground with a вlооdy nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
“Well, Dad,” said Pete, “ I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”
“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”
“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”
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Little boy to his dad “why do they say gardeners have green fingers when they aren’t green ?”
Dads answer “the same reason thieves are said to be caught red handed when their hands aren’t red, they are black
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It’s the first day of school and the teacher thought she’d get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.
The first little girl says:
“My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman.”
The next little boy says:
“I’m Andy and my Dad is a mechanic.”
Then one little boy says:
“My name is Jimmy and my father is a loser who prefers to lay on the couch all day and watch TV, while Mom goes off to work to support us.”
The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the schoolyard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true what he had said about his father.
He blushed and said, “I’m sorry but my dad plays hockey for Team USA, and I was just too embarrassed to say so.”
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Son: Are ghosts real?
Dad: Of course not.
Son: But the maid said they are.
Dad: Son pack your bags…. We don’t have a maid
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‘Cant’ believe my horse came first yesterday!!’
‘Dad, how many times have I told you i’m not interested in your’s and Camilla’s bedroom antics!’
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A text chat:
Dad: You are the best son I could ever ask for
Me: You're the best parent I could ask for
Dad: Woops that was meant for your brother
Me: Woops, that was meant for your wife
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A little girl was being selfish to her brothers. Her Dad sat her down and gave her a big lecture about being selfish. When he was done, the little girl said; "Daddy, I don't even have a shell fish!
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A tired and frustrated wife arrived home late from work and quietly entered the master bedroom where she saw four sets of feet hanging over the end of the bed. Furious, she grabbed an umbrella and began to hit the covers hearing groans from underneath them.
Exhausted she goes down the stairs to the kitchen for a stiff drink where she is shocked to see her husband standing in the kitchen.
"Your mom and dad arrived unexpectedly, so I gave them our room. Did you say hello?"
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My Dad just had a stairlift installed in the house.
Its driving him up the wall.
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My son’s friend has НIV.
He bought him round at the weekend.
As he went to shake my hand I quickly declined.
My son whispered, “Dad, you can’t catch НIV by shaking hands.”
“I know son,” I replied, “but he’s black.”
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