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Dad Jokes

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When I was a kid, my dad use to say:
“Discoveries are often made by not following instructions, by going off the main road, by trying the untried.”
Probably why I fail my driving tests.
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I’ve just put some holes in my dad’s condoms. I really need some help doing the dishes.
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When a squirrel slipped into my house, I did the logical thing: I panicked and called my father.
"How do you get a squirrel out of a basement?" I shrieked.
Dad advised me to leave a trail of peanut butter and crackers from the basement to the outside. It worked-the squirrel ate his way out of the house. Unfortunately, he passed another squirrel eating his way in.
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A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said,
"Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?
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A three year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. When they returned home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
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When I was a kid, my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should always wear a соndом. Funny thing is, they were all just pictures of me.
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A little boy was doing his geography homework one evening and turned to his father and said, “Dad, where would I find the Andes?
“Don’t ask me,” said the father. “Ask your mother. She puts everything away in this house.”
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Little Pete came home from the playground with a вlооdy nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
“Well, Dad,” said Pete, “ I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”
“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”
“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”
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Little boy to his dad “why do they say gardeners have green fingers when they aren’t green ?”
Dads answer “the same reason thieves are said to be caught red handed when their hands aren’t red, they are black
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It’s the first day of school and the teacher thought she’d get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.
The first little girl says:
“My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman.”
The next little boy says:
“I’m Andy and my Dad is a mechanic.”
Then one little boy says:
“My name is Jimmy and my father is a loser who prefers to lay on the couch all day and watch TV, while Mom goes off to work to support us.”
The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the schoolyard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true what he had said about his father.
He blushed and said, “I’m sorry but my dad plays hockey for Team USA, and I was just too embarrassed to say so.”
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Son: Are ghosts real?
Dad: Of course not.
Son: But the maid said they are.
Dad: Son pack your bags…. We don’t have a maid
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Jake came rushing in to see his Dad. "Dad!" he puffed, "Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?"
"That's what they say," said his Dad.
"Well, give me an apple quick! I've just broken the doctor's window!"
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A text chat:
Dad: You are the best son I could ever ask for
Me: You're the best parent I could ask for
Dad: Woops that was meant for your brother
Me: Woops, that was meant for your wife
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A little girl was being selfish to her brothers. Her Dad sat her down and gave her a big lecture about being selfish. When he was done, the little girl said; "Daddy, I don't even have a shell fish!
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A tired and frustrated wife arrived home late from work and quietly entered the master bedroom where she saw four sets of feet hanging over the end of the bed. Furious, she grabbed an umbrella and began to hit the covers hearing groans from underneath them.
Exhausted she goes down the stairs to the kitchen for a stiff drink where she is shocked to see her husband standing in the kitchen.
"Your mom and dad arrived unexpectedly, so I gave them our room. Did you say hello?"
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My Dad just had a stairlift installed in the house.
Its driving him up the wall.
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My son’s friend has НIV.
He bought him round at the weekend.
As he went to shake my hand I quickly declined.
My son whispered, “Dad, you can’t catch НIV by shaking hands.”
“I know son,” I replied, “but he’s black.”
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Dad came home one day in an exceptionally hot mood and took his wife upstairs for some fun.
Just when they were really getting into it, their young son entered the room and started to cry.
“What’s wrong, son?” the father asked. “Why are you crying?”
“You’re hurting my mommy,” the little boy replied.
“No, no,” the father reassured. “I’m not hurting her. We are making babies.”
This seemed to calm the boy, and when he left the room the couple went back to their business.
The next day the father came home from work and found his son on the steps, crying.
“What’s the matter NOW?” asked Dad.
“It’s those babies you were making with Mommy yesterday,” the boy answered.
“The mailman is upstairs eating them!”
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