Dating jokes, Online dating jokes
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1961 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.
He arrived at her house and rang the веll. ‘Oh, come on in!’ Peggy Sue’s mother said as she welcomed Fred in. ‘Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?’Iced tea, please,’ Fred said. Mum brought in the iced tea.
‘So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?’ she asked. ‘Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..”Peggy likes to sсrеw, you know,’ Mum informed him.
‘Really?’ Fred replied, his eyebrows rising.
‘Oh yes,’ the mother continued, ‘When she goes out with her friends, that’s all they do! Sсrеw, again and again!!’
‘Is that so?’ asked Fred, incredulous.
‘Yes,’ said the mother. ‘As a matter of fact, she’d sсrеw all night if we let her!’
‘Well, thanks for the tip!’ Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hooped skirt and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.
She greeted Fred. ‘Have fun, kids!’ the mother said as they left.
Two hours later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
“The Twist, Mum!” she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. “The dance is called the Twist!!!”
Twenty-one-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a test kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that
Did this to you? I want to know!”
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them, “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I’ll provide support.
If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him,
“Then you try again.”
A woman has a close male friend.
This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend.
This always starts out with, “you’re a great guy, but I don’t like you in that way”.
This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, “You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we’re not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we’re going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn’t work out, we’ll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.”
A 30 something year old man goes to a singles bar and starts up a conversation with a woman who was about his age. They’re really hitting it off and the chemistry is strong, so after a couple drinks they start to open up to each other.
“I’m gonna be honest with you,” says the man, “My wife recently divorced me so I’m on the rebound. I was just too кinкy for her, she couldn’t take it.”
Astounded, the woman says “Oh my gosh, кinкy sеx, what a coincidence! My divorce from my ex husband was finalized just last week for that exact same reason!”
At this point they decide to go back to the woman’s house. She leads him up to the bedroom and things start getting hot and heavy. “Wait here, I’m gonna go slip into something more comfortable”, she tells him.
So she slips into her bathroom and puts on all the воndаgе gear she can find and freshens up. After about 10 minutes she steps out of the bathroom and finds the man dressed and headed out the door.
“Wait, where are you going!?”, she yells after him, “I thought you were into кinкy stuff?”
The man replies “I already shagged your cat and took a dump in the potted plant, I’m good.”
A young couple had a wild Saturday night and used two condoms from a new box of twelve.
The following weekend the woman discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box.
“What happened to the other four condoms?” she asked.
His nervous reply was, “Errrr…, I masturbated with them.”
Later, she approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, “Have you ever done that?”
“Yeah, once or twice,” he told her.
“You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a соndом before?” she asked.
“Oh,” he said, “I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend.”