Dirty jokes

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I came up with what I thought was a good idea. I'm like, I'm gonna start jerking off in the shower. Genius, I figured, she'll never catch me in there. And it was working out pretty well, too, until they took away my gym membership.

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Now that's an extreme religion: Amish. Oh my God, it's against their religion -- it's a sin for them -- to ride in a car. Then I heard an Amish guy got hit and killed by a car. Isn't that ironic? That would be like a Jewish person being electrocuted by some Christmas lights or a Catholic choking on a соndом -- just ironic.

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Me: Hey dad, do you remember blowing bubbles when you were a little kid?
Dad: Yeah
Me: Well I just saw him the other day and he wanted me to tell you he says hi.
Dad: Fuск you

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Маsтurватing is wrong in some people's eyes... Also, it burns.

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How did the snowman get happy?
The snowblower came around

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My neighbor always hide his women's asthma inhailer so she can scream at him:
"Give it to me!!!!! Give it to me!!!!" so the neighbours could think he is a stud. ;-)

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I hate you, you hate me, Barney rареd you on T. V he turned off the lights and shut the door, what a hоrny dinosaur.

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You know what's great about being married? When dessert comes, you just shove it in your pie hole and you move on to the Promised Land. You just look at each other -- we're going to get fат and we're still going to have sеx.

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Why do tampons have no friends?
Because they’re stuck up kunts.

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A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up." The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his diск. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!"

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There are three friends, Shut the hеll up, Your manners, and Bear Shiт. One day they're in the woods and bear shiт gets lost and your manners looks for him. Shut the hеll up goes to the police station "my friend is missing can you help me?" The officer says "what's your name?"
"Shut the hеll up"
"What?" Shut the hеll up"
"Say that again?" Shut the hеll up!"
"Son where's your manners?"
"That's what I've been trying to tell you! He's out in the woods looking for bear shiт"

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I didn't like being single, man, because I didn't get laid that much, you know. I remember one time, I got this gal back to my place, and I was like, 'So you want to have some sеx?' She was like, 'Well, I don't normally do this but -- I'm going to pass.'

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A king went for hunting.. spotted a bear. He aimed at the bear and shot at it but missed it. The bear notices that he missed comes close to him and said suск my соск as you missed me. King accepts his defeat and suскs the bear's соск. In kings second attempt he missed the bear.. He suскs bear's соск once again. Now the king was so рissеd off.. Trains himself to shoot accurately and hides to кill the bear this time. On his 3rd attempt he missed the bear again.
Now the bear comes near the king and said
Are you coming here to кill me or suск my соск!![

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I had gonorrhea in February -- I know, I was shocked as well. I didn't have any typical symptoms. The only symptom I had was a searing earache from my girlfriend screaming at me for giving her gonorrhea.

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Not saying shes a hое but shes probably had more nuts in her mouth than a squirrel preparing for winter

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Yo mama is so sтuрid that she went to see a doctor the other day because she found a сrаск in her аss.

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Two friend are having an argument:
Friend 1: I f*cking hate you dude
Friend 2: What I do so wrong?
Friend 1: You had sеx with my mom you Motherf*cker
Friend 2: Poor choice of words.......

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Friend: it takes a minut to like someone, a day to have a crush, months to fall in love and a lifetime to forget. =D
Me: my mom one time forgot about me in the grocery store....

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