Dirty jokes

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Wife: Are you jerking off in the bathtub?
Me: I swear, hun, I was washing it and it just went off.

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Me: HOLY SНIТ I THINK I MIGHT BE PREGNANT!!!
Girlfriend: ... You're a dude dumbass
Me: i know but i didnt get my period this month!

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A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

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They should give this guy a test, you know, just to see how well the cure is going. Make him sit somewhere in a room with a guy in a lab coat:
'OK, would you say that salmon, mocha and champagne are foods or colors?'

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If God made anything better than рussy he kept it for himself.

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My wife told me today that I'm gonna become a father for the very first time. The bad news is -- we already have two kids.

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When I say to a guy, 'Look, we've gotta talk,' what I really mean is, 'We've been together for months. I've now twisted my personality into an emotional pretzel to accommodate your every need. I want to know your idea of commitment versus my idea of commitment. Are we getting married? Are we having kids? Are we going to couples counseling? Where's this relationship going? I want to know.' When a guy says to me, 'Look, we've gotta talk,' what he means is, 'I want to have sеx with someone else, and will this interfere with me having sеx with you.'

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Detective 1: It seems that the victim died of blunt force trauma.
Detective 2: My favorite kind of sеx.

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Non-Alcoholic вееr is like going down on your cousin...
Sure it tastes the same, but it just ain't right!

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Three steps to safely remove a woman’s вrа.
1. Cut straps with scissors, be careful as scissors can be sharp.
2. Never make comments about her niррlеs being weird.
3. If you’re in a supermarket make sure she isn’t carrying any glass bottles.

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Did you know that your body is made 70% of water? And now I'm thirsty.

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Women reach their sеxuаl peak after 35 years. Men reach theirs after about four minutes.

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Waking up to a surprise bj is great but not when you’re in prison.

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Some people prefer their women young and tender; I prefer mine ten and younger.

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I met a cute chick in the тамроn section on the way to the register, so I asked her if I could take her out in 5 to 7 days.

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Take me to your leader! I hope he lives in your pants.

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Women have an easier time purchasing condoms than men because women are bold. Women aren't bothered by it. Women will walk into that drug store, 'Yeah, let me see, give me the lambskin lubricated one that's ribbed with feathers, two feet long and vibrates. That's the one I want, and I think I've got a coupon.'

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I went to the doctor and I found out that I can't have children. The medical reason, as far as I understand it, is that when I еjасulате, there is rarely, if ever, a woman in the room.

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