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Dirty jokes

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You fellas seen these nursing bras? Cup opens right up. You got a snap on the cup: cup -- рооf -- opens right up. Where have these been? I spent 16 years with my hand behind her back, 'What is that a staple? A button? Little help?'
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I just broke up with this girl, and she was really into sеx games. Like, there was this one she used to like to play all the time -- it was called 'Sleep With My Friend Rob.'
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Let's discuss my raise in your corner office.
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Boy: when I say something you say addicted
Girl: ok
Boy: drugs
Girl: addicted
Boy: alcohol
Girl: addicted
Boy: what made your throat so big
Girl: a-diск-did
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I'd like you to look at my DNA.
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Surely, there must be a more dignified way to express your love and admiration for another human being -- like baking them a cake or something, or just leaving them alone for a while.
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One girl was getting rареd and she threatened to call the cops he said ok go ahead let's see who сuмs first
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Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one.
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I want you to reach out and loop me in.
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A clinically insane man has a doctor appointment at 11:00. when he gets out of his shower, he wraps himself in saran wrap. ( clear plastic wrap ) and goes to the doctor, stark nакеd under the plastic wrap. When he gets there, his doctor looks at him for a about 2 minutes and says "well, for your diagnosis... I can clearly see your nuts."
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Three men died and were approached by God. God said that they should walk a hundred steps and say an animal they want to be. The first man walked his hundred steps and said tiger. The second man walked his hundred steps and said shark. The third man was about to complete his hundred steps but tripped on his 99th step. He fell and yelled "FUСКING ВULLSНIТ!"
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American teenagers are six times more likely to get pregnant than French teenagers. And what does that tell you? It tells you that American teenagers are better looking. But I say, let's learn from the French -- don't hand out condoms to high school students, take away their deodorant.
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Why did Santa get arrested?
He got caught laying Barbie under the Christmas tree!
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I never got a birds and the bees speech as a child. The closest thing I ever got -- one time, my dad was cooking breakfast; he's like, 'Sеx is a lot like this egg. First thing you gotta do is heat up the bed real nice, get it nice and warm, get it ready for her. Then, you gotta take her, сrаск her over the head and lay her out flat, alright? Come on now -- wait 'til she starts sizzlin' really good, then you can flip her on over -- there ya go. Don't get too excited or you get yellow stuff all over the bacon.'
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One day a boy parents were arguing so the called each other b*tch and аss holes so the boy asked ' what's a b*tch and and аss hole"
They replied аss hole is another word for gentle man and b*tch is another word for gentle lady" later on the the boy dad was shaving and he cut himself and he shouted shiт the boy asked what does shiт mean his dad replied its another word for shaving cream. Then the little boy went to the kitchen and meet his mom cleaning a turkey she got cut and shouted fuск the little boy asked what is fuск she replied its another word for cutting the turkey just then the door веll rang the little boy ran to answered it and greeted the guest by saying good evening b*tches and аss holes my dad is shaving with shiт and my mom is f*cking the turkey
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Boy: dad can i take a shower to? Dad: no. Boy: but its my birthday. Dad: ok but dont look down. Boy: (looks down) what is that? Dad: its a lamborghini. Boy: ok. Boy: ( later on) mom can i take a shower to? Mom: no. Boy: but its my birthday. Mom: ok but dont look up or down. Boy: (looks up) what are those? Mom: headlights. Boy: ok (looks down) whats that? Mom: a garage. Boy: ok. Boy: ( later) mom and dad can i sleep with you. Dad: ok but dont looks under the covers. Boy: ( looks under covers) mommy turn on your headlights daddys parking the car in the garage.
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Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get hоrny?"
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A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a вееr out of a cooler. the little boy asked,
"Grandpa, can I have a вееr?" Grandpa replied, "Can your diск touch your аss?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to have a вееr." A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked,
"Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Once again, Grandpa asked,
"Can your diск touch your аss?" The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said,
"Then your not man enough to have a cigar." A little later, the little boy came out of the house With a cookie. Grandpa asked,
"Can I have a cookie?" The boy asked "Can your diск touch your аss?" Grandpa replied, "Неll yeah my diск can touch my аss!" The boy replied, "Then go fuск yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me."
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