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I was in a relationship for like eight-and-a-half years, and then I was re-released into the wild not too long ago. So, my internal 'How To Read a Woman Manual' has like a drawing of Dwight and Mamie Eisenhower on the cover, holding hands in a rumble seat and sipping sodas and strangling communists. And I'm just waiting until I can unzip my pants and find a family of raccoons living down there.
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Anybody get a random вiтсh phone call? Oh, you know what I mean. The women that found the phone number, then call it. This woman called me up, talking about, 'Look, I don't know who you is, but I found your phone number in my man's pocket. And you better not be fooling around with my man.' So I said, 'Honey, I don't know who you is either, but I'm gonna give you a little woman-to-woman advice. If you're having a problem in your relationship -- you think your man is cheating on you -- that's something you need to talk over with your man...' So I woke him up, gave him the phone and let her talk to him.
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Just be arrested for indecency at my local homeless shelter after trying to help them cook Christmas dinner. Apparently they told me to PLUCK the turkey.
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There once was this really poor family. They were so poor that they lived on a bunk bed, the parents lived on the top bed and the son lived on the bottom bed. One night the mom and dad were having sеx and so they used code words, for harder they said cheese and for faster they said tomato. The kept screaming cheese, cheese, cheese, tomato, tomato, tomato. The son then said mom dad can you stop making sandwiches you're getting mayo all over my bed.
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What do you call a Russian hоокеr? Onyabackyabish.
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My uncle once еjасulатеd on me. Glad I got that off my chest.
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What did the left веаvеr lip say to the right?
We used to be so tight before that holiday to Jamaica!
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No matter who's president, it costs us money whatever they like. [Reagan] likes jelly beans. Carter liked peanuts; the price of peanuts went up. When Kennedy was president, you couldn't get a hоокеr for under $75.
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The national debt isn't the only thing that's rising.
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I'm staying with a guy I went to high school with, in a one bedroom, which is oh so private. We got signals on the door just in case one of us has a magazine in the room.
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Q. What does оrаl sеx with an ugly women and rock climbing have in common?
A. They‘re both more enjoyable if you don’t look down.
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They blame everything on El Nino. When I can't get it up, I go, 'Baby, it's El Nino. It ain't me, baby. I'm a man -- it's El Nino, see? -- it's a warm front in the ocean, that's why this ain't working.'
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I've been a dad for awhile. I've noticed that certain things don't change about a child, no matter what stage of development they're in. When they're really small, just learning how to walk, you always have to tell them the same thing over and over again:
'Watch out. Don't touch that. Don't put that in your mouth.' Now my daughter is almost a teenager. Are we all on the same page on that? Because I really don't want to have to draw a diagram for that one.
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Billy woke up one morning and headed downstairs for breakfast. His dad was already there, reading the newspaper. Billy sat down and was about to eat until he thought about something. "Dad, why do we never see Mom in the morning," he inquired. His father lowered the newspaper to reveal a face of pure excitement, answering, "Look under the table, son."
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Apparantly some butch lеsвiаns have now started taking viаgrа to become harder!!
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My computer's got Miley Virus. It has stopped twerking.
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I'd like to be in orbit below your equator.
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Just trimmed my bush… I love gardening.
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