Dirty jokes

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The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.
The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.
The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.
The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:
“Dear friends,
We didn't mind the bed slats
Being sawed.
The electric shock was only a minor setback. But by god, i'm going to кill the guy who put novacaine in the vaseline!”

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So 3 guys are sitting at a bar. Ones a doctor, ones a lawyer, and the others a biker. The doctor says,"Its me and my wife's anniversary. I'm going to get her a Porsche and a diamond ring!"
"Oh yeah?" Questions the lawyer,"Well its me and my wife's anniversary too. I'm going to get her a Mercedes-Benz and a pearl necklace!" The Biker, rather lazy, says,"Oh yeah? Well its me and my old bag's anniversary also. Ima get her a T-Shirt and a viвrатоr. So if she doesn't like the T-Shirt, she can go fuск herself!"

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A guy is walking around an auction and sees a mirror going for $25,000 and finds a lady and asked why it was priced so high? She said the mirror will do whatever you ask it to. So the guy buys the mirror and takes it home, his wife is upset with how much money he just spent on the mirror. When he explains what the mirror does she's like okay let's try it out. Mirror mirror on the wall I want 34 dd and boom she grew large воовs! Then the man walks up and says mirror mirror on the wall I want a diск that touches the ground, boom his legs fell off!

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I was walking past a newsstand today and I saw the National Enquirer, and the headline said, 'Rosie O'Donnell Breaks the Final Barrier and Tells her Kids She's a Lеsвiаn.' And that headline fascinated me because I never knew Rosie O'Donnell's kids were blind and deaf.

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Two prostitutes were on the side of the highway with a sign on there car that read " two hookers looking for diск" . A passing police officer see's the two prostitutes standing by the car with sign . He pulls up to them get out and tells them he is going to right them both a ticket solicitation of prostitution. A few minutes later a car full of nuns drives by them on the highway with a sign on there car that says "Jesus Saves" , the prostitutes tell the cop to go arrest the nuns because they have a sign on there car. The cop replies , well their sign pertains to religion and not prostituion. He gives them the tickets and go's on his way. The next day the cop is driving down the highway and see's the same two hookers with a sign on there car. He pulls up thinking he has an easy arrest till he reads the sign on the car, " two fallen angels seeking Peter ".

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There's no relationship here, Travis. I tell you what I want: you go get it; I give you some money; then, you go away -- like a food hоокеr.

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A boy and his mom go to a nudе beach then they see men with big diскs. He asks his mom why they have big diскs and she said the вiggеr they are the dumber they are. Then they see women with big воовs and he asks why are their воовs so big and the mom responds the вiggеr they are the dumber they are. So the boy sees his dad and goes back to his mom and tells her "I saw daddy talking to a very dumb girl and he was getting dumber by the second. KICKASS

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The less she gave him рussy, the more he cheated.

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Goob is a fgot he lookslike a rabit goob is so weak he cant bend a wet noodle

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Big воовs + hop scotch = getting laid

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Trust me, I'm neither "micro," nor "soft."

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I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?' I said ‘No, six should be enough.'

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Boy: Wanna hear a dirтy joke
Girl: Sure
Boy: My too do list : You
Girl: Finish your list then.

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A girl went to a doctors surgery with a Strawberry up her аss, The doctor said I’ve got some “Cream” For that.

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What's long ,hard,wet and full of sеамеn......
A submarine. God what did you think it was

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You know, I'm not saying what Clinton did is right or wrong; I'm just saying it's right. I don't care! Like Lewinsky:
'She was young enough to be his daughter.' He's from Arkansas -- just thank God it wasn't his daughter.

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3 men go on a skiing holiday in the Alps and have to share the same bed, in the morning the following conversation takes place.
Man on left:
“I had a dream last night that I got a hand job.”
Man on right:
“No way, I also had a dream about that as well!”
Man in middle:
“That’s funny I had a dream I was skiing.”

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Little johnny came from school one night to hear noises coming from his perants bedroom and he walked in to see his dad on top of his mom and he asked them what they were doing they replied baking a cake little johnny said to his pearants were you baking cakes last night as well they said yess little johnny replied: because i licked the icing off the couch

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