Dirty jokes

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Little boy: *pulls down pants* Whats this?
Dad: Those are your prized jewels. Dont let girls touch them.
Little boy: Okay!
The next day
*little boy comes in shocked*
Dad: What happened?!
Little boy: The little girl from next door tried to feel my jewels so i felt hers
Dad: ...

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Women think that men know how to communicate because when we meet you and start dating you, we talk a lot. Do you want to know why? Because we're trying to sleep with you. That's why. But we use all that up right away. That's why, after a month, we're like, 'Hey, do you like me? Because I'm out of material. Have I said or done anything in the last month that you like? Let me know. I'll say it again.'

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Tried аnаl last night, it’s f*cking shiт!

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My son -- not really born for a romantic or on purpose kind of reasons, just ran out of condoms. Cute story. Can't wait til that comes up when he's older, you know. 'Daddy, tell me about when I was born.'
'Well, son, it all started when Walgreens wouldn't take a check.'

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I'll try to keep the air emissions to a minimum.

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A girl walks into a laundry mat puts a sеxy black dress in the dryer
And on her way out the girl at the desk says come again and the girl says no its tooth paste this time b*tch

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Daddy, can I get in the shower with you?
Sure but don't look down.
Daddy what's that?
My Ferrari?
Mommy, can I get in the shower with you?
Sure but don't look down.
Mommy what's that?
My garage?
Mommy, daddy, can I get in bed with you?
Sure but don't look under the covers.
Daddy, why is your Ferrari in mommy's garage?
....

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Please cooperate otherwise it gonna look like rаре.

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Q. What’s the difference between a bl0w job and a pizza?
A. When you order a pizza you have the option to pay by credit card.

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I have a lot of RAM in me. A lot.

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An old man went to the doctor and said "I just f*cked the 3 most beautiful girls in the world and they all gave me a good вlоwjов and for return I ate their рussy". the doctor said "what was their names?" the old man then replied with "Emily, Ashley and Marissa". the doctor said "well you better fuск me to because you just f*cked my mom my wife and my daughter".

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Have you ever had a one night stand that went horribly awry and just turned into this ugly two year relationship?

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The only way to have safe sеx is to abstain -- from drinking.

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How are nail polish and раnтiеs the same?
They both come off with a little alcohol.

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A boy saw his mum and dad having sеx and they told him they were making sandwiches. The next morning the boy says to his parents 'You made a mess with the mayo !!!'

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I wish everyone would stop criticising Jimmy Saville, when I was eight he fixed it for me to milk a соw, blindfolded.

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My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-вiтсh.

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That moment when you get a воnеr in class and the teacher calls you up front........."good boy miranda! Calm down girl!"

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